Today’s vocabulary word: insistent
When my mother arrived, she unhinged her jaw and swallowed Audrey whole.
She blew right past me and devoured my fiancée in a wild monologue that rambled on for minutes. Audrey gave up on trying to respond but she smiled and nodded and let my mother drag her all around the house to look at one thing or another.
‘Janet, you’re going to suffocate the girl before we get her down the aisle,’ Rita yelled from the kitchen. ‘Slow your roll.’
‘I’ve been waiting so long to see you two,’ my mother said, her hands outstretched to me and Audrey. At five feet even, my mother had to tip her head back to gaze up at us. ‘You’ve found a way back to each other and it’s such a gift to finally see you together.’
The way my mother smiled, so bright and raw and hopeful—it sliced right through me. She looked genuinely happy, but more than that, she looked relieved. That was the part that hit me hardest. She’d struggled for so long, and not just with the disease. But in raising me alone, scrapping to make ends meet, putting me first again and again. All I could feel was the weight of this lie and how much worse it would be when this ended.
‘The real gifts here are the statement shirts,’ I said through a knot in my throat.
She pulled at the t-shirt that read Of course they’re fake! The real ones tried to kill me. ‘I get the best compliments on this shirt. I have it in five different colors.’
‘I love it,’ Audrey said. ‘How are you doing, Janet? I’m so sorry I didn’t call to check on your progress sooner—’
‘None of that,’ Mom said. ‘I can talk about that bastard all day long. I can give you every ugly-ass story. But I’m not going to. I’m too busy living my life. That bastard is gone, he’s not coming back, and that’s the end of it.’
‘Amen,’ Rita shouted.
Audrey forced a smile and I could see her struggling to meet Mom’s badass energy while also checking off the good manners box. ‘I’m so happy to hear it. I’ve been hoping for the best for you. Jude’s kept me updated along the way, of course.’
She gestured to me. I arched a brow. I knew she was asking me to step in and save her but I was running short on sympathy today.
‘The best part of the whole ordeal is that I got these brand-new tatas.’ I turned my gaze to the ceiling as my mother cupped her breasts. ‘They don’t sag! It’s like I’m eighteen again. Nice and firm. You should feel them.’
‘Janet, don’t force your daughter-in-law to fondle you,’ Rita yelled.
‘I’m not forcing anyone,’ Mom yelled back. ‘I’m offering.’
‘And you wonder why it took them so long to visit,’ Rita said. ‘They’re here for five minutes and you’re whipping out the tits like they’re some souvenirs from your last cruise.’
‘You look…amazing,’ Audrey said. ‘It’s great to find that confidence again after going through a painful ordeal.’
I bit back a laugh. Audrey stabbed my lower back with her bony little pinkie finger and pretty much skewered my kidney in the process.
‘Such a sweetheart you are.’ Mom pulled Audrey into a squeeze and out of stabbing range. ‘All right, you two. I hope you’re hungry because we’re going to one of Gary’s restaurants. I’ve told you about Gary,’ she said to me. ‘From up the street? Well, he has a few restaurants and he wants to give you the VIP treatment tonight.’
I made a gruff noise that I doubted I’d be able to replicate on purpose. ‘Gary’s at it again, huh?’
‘Which one are you goin’ to?’ Rita called.
‘Agave,’ Mom shouted back.
‘That’s my favorite,’ Rita said. ‘You’re gonna love it. Get the mushroom fajitas.’
I was beginning to think they came to know Gary simply because he could hear them yelling all the way up the street.
‘You really will love it. If you don’t see anything you like on the menu, Gary will have them make something special for you. I can’t wait for you to meet him,’ Mom said to us. ‘I’m going to change and then we can go.’
I blinked at my watch. I knew time zones could be tricky in this part of the world but—’Mom, it’s four fifteen.’
‘We’ve already missed three days together and we have so much to talk about,’ she said. ‘We’ll start with drinks on the deck so everyone can get to know each other. If you’re not hungry yet, you will be after we chat for a few hours.’
‘Hours,’ I repeated.
‘We’ll take our time getting to the meal.’ My mother beamed. My stomach thudded. ‘I have so many wedding ideas to share with you two. Remind me to bring my binder with all my inspo collages.’
‘You’re gonna need a wheelbarrow for that thing,’ Rita yelled.
My mother reached for me, her hands gripping my shoulders. ‘It’s so good to see you happy.’ With a glance between me and Audrey, she asked, ‘Are you all settled in? I hope you know you’re free to move things around in my room to make yourselves comfy.’
‘We’re not taking your room,’ I said. ‘I’ve already told you this.’
Mom’s eyes flashed. ‘I’m not letting you spend money on a hotel.’
‘You know money isn’t an issue for me,’ I replied.
‘I know you’ve spent more than enough of it on me and you have a family to be thinking about now. And there’s plenty of space here.’ She swept her arm out and knocked a wind chime into motion. She leaned close to Audrey, saying, ‘Did you know my son bought me this house? Moved me out here when I finished treatment, and furnished the whole place. Did he tell you about that?’
Audrey glanced toward me, a knowing smile cutting across her face. Mom probably read that as Audrey being well aware of the lengths I’d gone to, to give her some post-cancer comfort. But I knew better and I knew that smile meant You’ve always been such a fucking softie.
‘Did he tell you about the navy? He doesn’t like to talk about it but they’ve been trying to hire him for years.’ She motioned for Audrey to come in closer like she had some classified information to share. ‘But they can’t afford him so they fly him in every few months to fix the problems no one else can figure out.’
‘While you’re great for my ego, Mom, that isn’t—’
‘He turned out all right, didn’t he?’ Audrey wrapped an arm around Mom, pulling her into her side for a hug. ‘You raised a good one, Janet.’
My mother was already misty-eyed. Of course. ‘We raised each other,’ she said.
‘Then you both did a great job,’ Audrey said, patting Mom’s arm.
‘I’d love it if you’d stay,’ Mom said. She thought she was capitalizing on the moment but I saw the game Audrey was playing. I didn’t know her next move but I trusted it. ‘It just makes me so happy to have everyone here.’
‘We’re thrilled to be here with you. Finally! After the wackiest travel experience of our lives.’ She glanced up at me with a cotton candy smile. ‘The thing is,’ Audrey went on, dropping her voice to an intimate whisper, ‘we could really use some privacy. After the past few days with everything being so hectic…’ She gave a coy shrug. ‘I hope you understand.’
My whole body responded to the soft drag of those words. I felt it across my shoulder blades and down my spine, at the base of my throat and behind my zipper. I didn’t even think before wrapping an arm around Audrey’s waist, pulling her away from Mom and into my side, my hand settling high on her hip. I traced the edge of her panties through the thin cotton of her dress and watched with a good deal of satisfaction as pink colored her cheeks.
It took a second but recognition dawned for my mother. ‘Oh. Oh, of course,’ she said, a hand on her brow. ‘Of course you’d need your own space.’
I dipped my chin and brushed my lips over Audrey’s shoulder. It wasn’t necessary, but it wasn’t necessary for her to imply she wanted to be railed straight through a mattress tonight either. And the dainty, ribbon-tie straps on this dress hadn’t stopped filling my head with filth since finding her outside the farm supply store.
‘You’ll see plenty of us this week,’ Audrey promised, shifting toward her and out of my hold. Such a crafty little princess. ‘We won’t be strangers.’
‘Like I’d let that happen,’ Mom chirped. ‘Stay right there. I’ll be back in a dash.’ Before I could add anything, she flitted off to her bedroom.
An arm’s length away now, Audrey whispered, ‘Do you think Gary’s going to want to take you to baseball games and teach you how to change a flat tire? Since your mom is soft launching him as your new dad?’
‘Bite your tongue, Saunders. There’s a binder of collages waiting for you,’ I whispered back.
She stepped slightly closer and I picked up the scent of her shampoo. I didn’t hate it. ‘That horror show is waiting for us both.’
I glanced back inside to where Rita was busy slicing fruit and chucking it into the blender. ‘Do you think we can sweet-talk Rita into coming along?’
Audrey crossed her arms over her chest. Her elbow grazed my bicep. I wanted— I didn’t know what I wanted. All I knew was that I was deeply aware of her. Every move, every word, every glance. ‘We aren’t sweet-talking anyone. I just maneuvered my way out of feeling up your mom and slipped the noose on staying here. Next one’s on you.’
I pushed a hand through my hair. ‘Fuck.’
Today’s vocabulary word: downplay
‘It was a lizard? On the curtain?’ Gary wheezed, his eyes shining and his face warm from laughing.
‘A lizard,’ Audrey replied.
‘But it must’ve just been a little guy, like the ones we see around the yard,’ Mom said. ‘They won’t do any harm.’
‘It was three feet long if it was an inch,’ Audrey said, holding her hands up to the approximate size of the beast. ‘It was—’
‘It was a dragon,’ I cut in. ‘I’m sure of it.’
‘And this guy,’ Audrey said, leaning into me, ‘jumps out of the shower, traps it in the reusable container I’d packed with my homemade scones, and bolts across the parking lot in nothing but a towel.’ She sanded her hands together. ‘I don’t know what the good people of Grandwood Valley thought when they saw that show but that’s a story they’ll tell for years. Between us, it wasn’t much of a towel. I wouldn’t be surprised if the locals saw a whole lot more than the sunrise that morning.’
Once again, Gary and my mother doubled over laughing. I’d lost count of the number of times Audrey had them in stitches during drinks and dinner as she told them a sanitized—but also sensationalized—account of the past few days.
I didn’t know how she did it with such grace, not to mention the comedic timing, but I appreciated the hell out of her for it. I also appreciated the chance to size up Gary.
He seemed nice enough. Bald as a bowling ball and barely scratching five-eight, he made a point of pulling out my mother’s chair and requesting refills on her iced tea as soon as she hit the half-empty mark. I gave him credit for downplaying his role in the restaurant. He could’ve talked a big game but he kept it low-key. No one liked a guy with an ego.
All the same, I still planned on dropping a note to a buddy of mine who owned a private security firm and asking him to dig around in Gary’s closets. Just to make sure this guy wasn’t into money laundering or some shit.
‘I can’t believe all the trouble you had,’ Gary said, pressing a napkin to the corners of his eyes.
‘It was one adventure after another,’ Audrey said.
‘I’m just happy you’re here now,’ Mom said. ‘There’s so much to talk about and we only have a few days before you leave again.’ She hit me with an exaggerated glare as she hefted the infamous binder to the table. ‘We should start with the date.’
I was ready to respond with some noise about saving this for another time but Audrey’s knee pressed into the outside of my thigh as she dropped a hand to my forearm. ‘Don’t you think we should meet up for lunch tomorrow, Janet? Just the girls?’ she asked, a gorgeous smile aimed at my mother. ‘We need more time to talk than what these guys will grudgingly endure.’
‘I love that idea,’ Mom said, ‘and I know just the place.’
‘Juniper and Ivy?’ Gary asked, pulling out his phone. ‘Or Canyon Crossing?’
Mom grinned up at him like he was really fucking wonderful. ‘You read my mind,’ she said. ‘Juniper would be amazing.’
‘I’ll get the corner booth reserved so you have room to look over all of your designs,’ he said.
‘Perfect. We’ll make a day of it,’ Audrey said, giving my arm a squeeze. ‘I’ll give you our ideas for dates and you can show me everything you’ve dreamed up for our big day.’
My mother’s eyes turned to hearts. It was exactly what I’d wanted out of this. That overflow of joy and optimism for the storybook ending she’d wanted for me. The promise of so many good things to come.
But the victory was a hollow one. Come the end of summer, our story would unravel and all of this would end. Maybe that was the real curse of this whole scheme—not that I’d lose Audrey all over again but that after everything I’d done to fulfill my mother’s (nearly) last wish, I’d be the one breaking it.
‘I think it’s adorable,’ Audrey said.
I led her through the hotel lobby, our luggage in one hand. ‘I think it’s desperate.’
‘Come on,’ she said. ‘He brought his car in to be serviced for something new every week for two months and then started bringing in his friends’ cars just for a chance to see Janet at the front desk, and you don’t think that’s cute?’
‘If you want my honest opinion, I’d say it rings some stalker bells.’
‘No, it doesn’t!’ she said. ‘It would be one thing if he’d asked her out during those two months and she turned him down. He just didn’t know how to approach her.’
‘Which is a skill issue if I’ve ever seen one.’ I shot her an exasperated glance as we waited to check in but there wasn’t any real heat behind it. I liked when we argued about things that didn’t matter. Like Mom and Gary’s meet-cute. ‘He’s old enough to know how to ask a woman out. He’s been around the block.’
‘How does it feel?’ She glared right back but her smile gave it away. She’d forgotten about resenting my entire existence long enough to enjoy this debate. ‘Having all the answers and the moral high ground?’
I ran a hand through my hair. ‘It’s going to feel damn good tomorrow when you’re debating color palettes and types of buttercream for sixteen hours.’
She rolled her eyes as we stepped up to the desk. ‘You might feel differently about that when you realize you’re wearing a pale pink tux with a crown of baby’s breath to this wedding.’
I laughed and handed our information to the representative. She pecked at the keyboard for a long moment before sucking in a breath and motioning another staff member over. Audrey and I shared a glance before I asked, ‘Is there a problem?’
The newcomer turned to us with a saccharine smile. ‘I’m afraid there was an incident in one of the rooms you booked,’ he said.
I rubbed my forehead. ‘What kind of incident?’
‘An electrical matter,’ he said.
I cast another meaningful glance at Audrey. Her brows pitched up and the humor in her eyes was gone. She asked, ‘Is that a big problem around here?’
‘It was an unusual incident,’ he replied. ‘Unfortunately, we’re only able to offer you one room tonight. We expect the second will become available tomorrow after our standard check-in time of four in the afternoon.’
I drummed my fingers on the desk. I didn’t think we’d survive another night together. ‘You couldn’t have notified us any earlier?’
‘You have our deepest apologies,’ he said. ‘I can offer you complimentary breakfast for the duration of your stay.’
Audrey’s cheeks puffed as she blew out a breath. With that breath went the perfect posture and every last piece of the mask she’d worn to charm Mom, Gary, and Rita. The color in her cheeks drained and her eyes went heavy. Her whole body seemed to slouch. It had to be exhausting, being everything to everyone.
With a sigh, she asked, ‘What’s the bed situation in this one room?’
He pursed his lips and I knew this wasn’t going to work out well for us. ‘It’s our signature select California king pillow top.’
‘I should’ve known,’ she muttered. ‘This better be a phenomenal breakfast.’
‘It’s actually very good,’ the first representative said.
I shifted to face Audrey. ‘We don’t have to do this. We can—’
‘No, Jude, we can’t,’ she said, her voice cracking like she was about to cry. ‘I’m so tired. I don’t have the emotional strength to figure out a new plan because this place casually catches on fire sometimes. I intend on taking the longest, hottest shower of my life and then popping a giant sleeping pill. If you want to do something else, you’re welcome to leave me here.’
‘Like hell I’m leaving you here,’ I said.
She shook her head. ‘Fine. We’re doing this. Again.’
The room was free of both ceiling leaks and reptiles, and Audrey spent forty-five full minutes in the shower while I talked to Percy. She stayed in the bathroom another half hour and I had to assume she just needed to be alone. After being the main attraction for Mom, Gary, and Rita, she had to be mentally wiped out.
When she emerged, she pulled some extra pillows from the closet and drew the boundary lines on the bed before climbing in. She didn’t say much and, as threatened, fell asleep before the end of a sitcom rerun.
I flipped over to an F1 race when I knew she was out. I was exhausted but I was too worked up to let myself relax. I couldn’t stop replaying a carousel of moments from the past few days. Then there was the pounding heat of last night. I couldn’t get away from the memories of her hands on my skin, her lips pressed to mine. I kept feeling the weight of her against me, the way she’d leaned in without hesitation. So fucking reckless—but so right.
All I knew was that she’d kissed me back last night. She’d reached for me, she’d wanted me. And I was ruined for it.
Today’s vocabulary word: compensate
‘Same botanical garden location, different season,’ Janet said, setting another collage on the table. ‘I played around with the color palette here to give it more of a warm autumn feel. See what I mean?’
‘It’s lovely,’ I said, running my gaze over the designs. I’d come prepared to humor the hell out of her and fake all my enthusiasm. If it came to it, I’d pull her down an obscure rabbit hole—a cute quote for custom cocktail napkins, symbolic dessert options, fun table names with special meanings. So far, there’d been no need to dip into my bag of tricks. Not with everything she’d crammed into that binder. ‘The autumn one is really pretty.’
The hard part of this charade was that I liked her designs. If we were actually getting married, I’d chain myself to a few of these looks. It left me with a bittersweet mix of longing and guilt. I didn’t want to think that this could’ve been real. If things had been different and life hadn’t been what it was for us—for me—this might’ve been ours. The thought was a fine shard of glass in my heart.
‘If you get bored at the car dealership, there’s a future for you in event design,’ I said.
‘These are just ideas,’ Janet said for the fortieth time today. Always very careful to make sure I knew she didn’t want to steamroll me. But at the same time, there were a few constants in every design and plenty of comments that made her priorities crystal clear. Suffice it to say, the cake would be frosted in buttercream, round, and three tiers. Five if we really thought it was necessary. And no ‘ridiculous’ flavors like lemon. ‘I’m sure you have plenty of your own.’
I reached for my drink, laughing. ‘You’d think so. All of my friends have been getting married over the last few years—one is getting married in Rhode Island next weekend, actually—but I haven’t found much time to consider what I’d want.’
‘Jude mentioned you had to head back east for your bestie’s big day.’ Janet’s grin over the rim of her iced tea was intensely curious. ‘Too bad he has so many meetings and won’t be there as your date.’
I didn’t have to fake the fun but I was fighting for my life with these stray comments. Last night’s boundless joy still bubbled over but now there was a strange new element.
At first, I’d filed those meaningful stares and not-quite passive-aggressive but definitely somewhat aggressive comments away as my own hypersensitivity. Count on me to take the emotional pulse in the room every thirty seconds and overcompensate for it. And after being the main event and monologuing my way through four long hours of drinks, dinner, and dessert last night, I was mentally toasted today. Whatever my spidey senses picked up, I felt it twenty times harder than reality. I told myself everything was fine and that I was being paranoid.
But then I realized Janet had her doubts.
‘I know.’ I threw in a dramatic groan to make sure she knew I was heartsick over it. ‘He’d love the tulip farm where it’s being held. It’s that offbeat brand of quirky that he enjoys so much.’
She tapped a hot pink nail to a collage doused in shades of plum and evergreen. She was right. He’d take one glance at the table and pick that palette. ‘He’ll only do it if he can do it his own way.’
‘I couldn’t say it better myself.’ I pulled that collage closer. The less we talked about Jude, the less she tried to interrogate me. ‘Do you think this would work for summer? Or does it belong in late autumn or winter?’
She propped her reading glasses on her head. ‘You’re leaning toward summer, then?’
‘We’ve talked about it.’ I held up two color palettes as if I was torn between them. ‘Summer plays well with teacher schedules.’
‘Mmm. I hadn’t thought about that.’ She shuffled the papers into orderly rows. ‘Summer is tougher for Jude though. With Percy in Michigan.’
‘We’d definitely plan around that visit,’ I said quickly. ‘If we went with a summer date. We wouldn’t get married without Percy there. That’s out of the question.’
Janet studied her designs for a moment. Going for a calm, completely unflustered vibe, I sat back and nibbled a tortilla chip. Internally, I was kicking myself. I knew Percy spent summers with his maternal grandmother. I couldn’t believe I’d tripped myself up on such a basic detail.
‘And your family? Do they have any thoughts on the date?’
I was amazed that I didn’t snort-laugh. ‘Not too much, no.’ The peacekeeper in me wanted to pour on details about them just being excited to celebrate with us whenever this fictional wedding occurred but the rest of me knew I wouldn’t be able to say it without gagging.
She reached for my hand, gave me a firm squeeze. ‘I’m just so happy you’ve been able to put the past behind you.’
I sensed a ripple in the waters, the start of a subtle but serious undertow that would drag me under if I didn’t brace myself now. ‘Growing up will do that to you.’ I lifted my shoulders in a bashful shrug. ‘And there’s a lot to learn from time apart.’
If Janet remembered saying those exact things to us back in high school during one of the many too serious too fast lectures, she didn’t show it.
She slipped her glasses into place and examined one of the designs she’d referred to as ‘my son would hate this.’ She smiled at the mauvey pink and honeyed yellow. He would hate it. ‘I hope that’s true.’ A slight edge rang in those words. ‘All those years and he wouldn’t tell me what happened between you two.’
Now, that was new information. I’d never thought much about what Jude might’ve told her—or anyone—but it shocked me that he’d kept it all buttoned up. I figured he would’ve given her the headlines. At least make it known where the blame belonged.
‘He went through hell,’ she went on. ‘That whole year it was like he was walking under a rain cloud. But he wouldn’t talk about it. Wouldn’t let me help.’ She flicked a hand as she rolled her eyes. ‘Then he picked up and transferred to Caltech the next year. The change was good for him. He needed to stretch his legs, like I always thought.’
I choked on air but explained it away with, ‘Tortilla chip crumb,’ between gulps of water. Glasses were refilled and the offending chips removed, which was sad because I was using them for a prop and emotional support. I needed both more than ever if I was to accept the fact Jude switched to a school an hour away from mine and I didn’t know about it until right now.
One of the many problems about inventing a relationship out of thin air was that I had to act like I knew all of this. All I could do was go along with her and not ask a single question because a real fiancée would have the answers. A real fiancée would’ve known her future husband had gone to school forty-five miles away from her at Pepperdine for three whole years. A real fiancée would’ve known why he transferred there.
Janet offered a tissue from her purse. ‘Are you all right, sweetheart?’
‘Fine, fine,’ I wheezed as I blotted my eyes. ‘Sorry about all that.’
‘No sweat.’ She laughed like she hadn’t been flame-grilling me just now. ‘Rita has this post-nasal acid reflux situation. She chokes on something daily.’ She tucked the tissue packet away, saying, ‘It took him a long time to move on, Audrey. I won’t say he ever got over you because I don’t think he did.’
All these truths piled up in my stomach. I did my best to look like I understood—that I wasn’t hearing this for the first time today—and that she didn’t have to worry about a repeat performance. Even if that was exactly where we were heading. ‘It was a tough time for both of us,’ I said. ‘I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.’
She stared at me like she wouldn’t mind slicing through the layers of my skin until she found my true intentions for her son—or my soul rotting away like an old apple core, whichever she stumbled upon first. That was when I knew it was me she doubted, not the engagement or Jude or anything else. She wanted a guarantee I wouldn’t hurt him again.
It killed me that I’d be the villain in her story once more.
Her face brightened and she leaned close like she wanted to tell me a secret. ‘We’ve done enough with the palettes and collages, don’t you think? Let’s get out of here. I have an idea.’
‘You’d tell me if it’s too much, right?’ Janet pivoted on the block in front of the mirrors. ‘I wouldn’t want to steal your spotlight.’
I didn’t know how to tell her that the last thing in the world I cared about was anyone stealing my spotlight. She shifted again and rhinestone-studded layers on the flapper dress went with her. ‘It’s gorgeous,’ I said. She really was radiant. The style was perfect for her. ‘It feels like you.’
‘The new boobs help.’ She palmed her breasts and gave them a jiggle. ‘It’s pretty but I don’t want to commit to anything until you finalize your plans. Who knows? You might end up doing this at a fancy yacht club back east and I’d look like a nut.’
‘I can promise there will be no yacht clubs,’ I said.
Janet turned from the mirrors to face me. I knew what was coming next. She didn’t bring me to a bridal boutique only to show off the mother of the groom dresses she’d scoped out. No, she wanted me trying on gowns for the next hour, and unless I jumped up and ran right through the shop’s front window, I didn’t see any way out of it.
Motioning to a mannequin dressed in a lovely lace gown, Janet asked, ‘Isn’t that spectacular?’
I pushed up from the cream velvet sofa to get a better look. It was beautiful and since I was playing the role of Audrey, Jude’s fiancée, and not Audrey, the real person, it didn’t matter whether it was far too elaborate for my tastes. Audrey, Jude’s fiancée, couldn’t wait to try on dresses. She loved huge ball gowns and fussy lace sleeves, and she definitely didn’t have any lingering PTSD over the last time she’d been shoehorned into a dress and shoved down the aisle. She wouldn’t hyperventilate at the sight of herself.
‘It’s spectacular,’ I said, tracing a finger down the tiny line of buttons on the back.
Janet clapped her hands together. ‘You should try it on! Just for fun! Since we’re here.’
I grinned at her. This would be fine. I probably wouldn’t break out in hives. ‘Since we’re here.’
Today’s vocabulary word: transcendent
‘This is a nice fit for you,’ Sharese, the shop owner, said as she clipped the lace dress closed in the back. ‘Not everyone can pull off the basque waist but you have a good torso.’
A good torso. I’d heard a lot of judgments on my body over my years in dance but I couldn’t remember good torso hitting the list.
‘Thanks, I think,’ I said with a laugh. I realized then that I could still taste the garlic from my lunch—which meant Sharese could smell it. Maybe it was the everyday urge to apologize for existing but having bad breath made me want to find a vat of acid and disappear into it.
‘It’s a compliment,’ Sharese said as she pulled back the dressing room curtain. She gathered up the dress’s long train and nudged me down the hallway. ‘You’re going to be a beautiful bride.’
‘You probably say that to all the girls.’
Her chuckle told me I was right. ‘I’ve been doing this for twenty-seven years and I’ll tell you right now that everything is going to look good on you.’ As we rounded the corner to where Janet sat on the velvet sofa, Sharese announced, ‘This is from the Hattie Zhou collection. Ivory hand-sewn lace over an ivory sheath, elegant high neckline, and basque waist.’
She positioned me on the platform and fluffed out the skirt around me. Janet clasped her hands under her chin, her eyes wide and smiling. ‘It’s amazing,’ she breathed.
‘Are we thinking veil or headpiece?’ Sharese asked.
‘Bring both,’ Janet said.
I told myself Audrey the fiancée would try on both. The fiancée wouldn’t panic over a veil.
While Sharese went searching, I stepped off the platform and motioned Janet closer. ‘Do you have any gum? Or mints? I feel like the guacamole is lingering on me.’
‘Of course, honey. Just give me a sec.’ She dug in her purse, coming up with a small tin. As she held it open for me, she asked, ‘Do you just love it?’
I popped two mints and forced a grin. I had to pull off some serious praise sandwiches here. Wedge the deflection between the good news. ‘It’s so special. I love the sleeves. I’m all about the sleeves right now. The neckline might be a little high for me. It feels a little serious, you know? But the lace is incredible. It has such an antique feel.’
She pointed at me. ‘You’re right. That neck is too much. We don’t want the dress to eat you alive.’
‘That would be nice,’ I teased.
‘My son would never speak to me again if I tried to wrap you up like a mummy.’ She winked and all I could do was laugh. Maybe I’d put her doubts to rest.
‘A veil with matching lace,’ Sharese trilled as she returned, ‘and a delicate ribbon headband.’
‘Let’s start with the headband,’ I said.
‘And let’s try a few gowns with a little more skin showing,’ Janet said. ‘She’s such a pretty girl, we need to show her off.’
Sharese snapped her fingers. ‘I have ideas.’
Over the next hour, I tried on fourteen more dresses which seemed like a lot of dresses to me. Some of them came off as quickly as they went on—the bubble hems were a fast no from Janet and Sharese, along with several others with big sculptural elements that made me feel like a cartoon character. We liked a few of the simple, classic ball gowns and a few other fitted styles, and I survived two veils without diving into the deep end of my feelings.
But my skin was red and welted from changing so many times, and the desert air must’ve dried me out because my head was fizzy and a little too light. Janet was having a blast but we’d need to wrap this up after the next couple of picks. Between the altitude and the desert heat, I felt like I’d tripped and fallen into an air fryer.
And I missed Jude. I didn’t know where that thought came from but I knew it was true. There was a comfort in sitting with him in hostile silence. Even if everything was upside down, I didn’t have to think so hard with him. Or maybe that was the Stockholm syndrome talking.
‘We’re calling this shade toasted apricot,’ Sharese said as she zipped me into another dress. ‘It’s organza with hand-tied silk flowers and a grosgrain ribbon belt.’
It reminded me of my friend Emme’s first wedding dress, from when she and Ryan eloped last year. I traced the flowers along the bodice. They looked like daisies with tiny seed pearls at the center.
Sharese herded me back to the platform. She and Janet chatted about the details and I went on tracing the flowers. The pearls felt strange against my fingertip. Like a million microscopic roller skate wheels. Like roller skates for ants. Did ants roller skate? Probably. Why wouldn’t they? And the flowers were like tissues—but also cotton candy.
No, wait, hold on. Those flowers were cotton candy. I could eat them. But would they taste like cotton candy or fabric? Or fabric-flavored cotton candy? I had to find out.
In an oblique way, I knew that was strange. Remarkably strange. But the more I clutched at that awareness, the less I felt of it.
‘Oh, honey, no,’ Janet said, pulling my hand away from the bodice. ‘Only the belt comes off, not the flowers.’
‘It’s okay,’ I said, leaning in close to her face. ‘It’s cotton candy.’
‘It’s—what?’ Janet glanced between me and Sharese who looked like she’d just swallowed a buzzing bee. That would be weird. Like that scene in Pinocchio. What a terrifying movie.
I studied my reflection in the mirrors, shifting to catch a glance at the back of the dress. ‘These lights are heavenly,’ I said. ‘Do you see my halo? I have a halo. I think I’m actually an angel.’ I turned to Sharese. ‘Can you add wings to this dress?’ I patted my shoulders. ‘Not feathery but like…mermaid. You know what I mean.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ she replied. ‘I don’t think I heard you. Did you say you wanted wings?’
Muscle memory wanted me to say no. To apologize and stop talking. But there was woolly static in my head and I felt as though I was trapped in a snow globe while everyone stared at me from the other side. And the words just kept coming out like a magician’s handkerchief trick.
‘Oh, shit,’ Janet murmured. ‘Honey, which of those mints did I give you?’
She dumped her bag on the sofa. It looked like the aftermath of a solid whack to a piñata. I raced toward her to help scoop up everything that’d tumbled out, falling to my knees as I chased lip balms, pens, and small zip pouches.
‘Sharese doesn’t want us to know this but the sofa is made of vanilla ice cream,’ I whispered to her. I giggled, but inside my head I heard What the hell is happening? Something was wrong—but I also felt incredible. I never wanted it to stop. ‘I don’t know how it’s not melting but the angel lights probably have something to do with it.’
‘Excuse me,’ Sharese sang. ‘Is everything…all right? Perhaps you’d like to return to the fitting room?’
Janet took my hands in hers. ‘Audrey, honey, I don’t know how to tell you this.’
‘Is it about the ice cream? Or the roller skates?’
She squeezed her eyes shut, murmuring, ‘My son is going to kill me.’
‘No, he won’t,’ I said, wrapping my arms around her. ‘He loves you so much, Janet. He’d do anything for you. Absolutely anything. Even really crazy shit that I don’t understand. Especially the crazy shit. In a way, it’s quite unrealistic.’
She grinned but it looked like there was something sour in her mouth. ‘Sweetie, those weren’t mints. They were ecstasy tabs.’
Today’s vocabulary word: endurance
I paced the length of my mother’s patio, one hand kneading the back of my neck while the other gripped my phone hard enough to make the case creak. ‘That’s it?’ I asked.
Through my earbuds, Jordan Kaisall let out a rasping noise intended to highlight his displeasure with me. Unfortunately for him, I didn’t give a fuck about his feelings. ‘If there was something to find, I would’ve found it.’
‘You’re a shit friend,’ I said.
‘You’re welcome but I mean this can’t be the first time your mom has dated. There have been dudes before this one.’
‘She’s never been serious about anyone. Never like this,’ I said. ‘She’s just been through a lot in the past couple of years. She doesn’t need some dickhead fucking up her life when she’s finally doing all right.’
‘Okay, well, he might be a dickhead but he’s unremarkable on paper and not a criminal.’ After a pause, he added, ‘And I’m sorry about missing the text about the Caps. I think I was off the grid when that happened and I was a little foggy when I got back stateside. You know how it goes.’
‘The fuck I do.’ I glared at the phone. ‘I don’t understand your life. And I say that as someone with a really fucking complicated life.’
‘Accept the job, sign the nondisclosure agreement, and I’ll explain everything.’
Kaisall, formerly of the Navy SEALs, co-owned a private security firm that handled everything from rescuing kidnapped heiresses to the kind of shit he couldn’t even allude to without breaching national security protocols.
We met about five years ago when I’d wanted to throw out everything and dive headfirst into a new world. Back then, I’d been bored to the point of anger. Restless enough to gnaw my arm off. Making moves had been the only thing keeping me going. It wasn’t about hopping from one corporate ladder to another. I’d wanted to jump off the ladder and then use it to bridge a canyon. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I was in the final rounds of interviews when Penny died. But I didn’t regret bowing out. I liked where I was now—and I wouldn’t have lasted long in Kaisall’s corner of the industry. It was better being his friend. More plausible deniability.
‘As I told you the first time we had this conversation, I don’t live in a world where I can drop off the grid for a few weeks or come back a little foggy. Whatever the fuck that means.’
‘We’ll keep you in the command center,’ he said. ‘No risk of concussion there. Or not as much of a risk.’
‘You’re not helping. None of this is helping.’
‘I don’t know what to tell you, man. When are you back in town? Want to catch a Nationals game? I’ll let you whine at me all night if you buy the beers.’
Again, I glanced between my watch and phone. Still nothing from Audrey. I didn’t have a great feeling about this. I should’ve gone with them. ‘I’m on the West Coast for a few more weeks and then picking up Percy from his grandmother’s place in Michigan.’
‘Last I checked, they still play in August.’
I stretched my arms over my head to draw some of the tension from my shoulders. Didn’t work. ‘I’ll text you when we’re back.’
‘And you’re buying the beer.’
‘You have a private jet,’ I snapped. ‘Like fuck I’m buying the beer.’
‘I’ll have you know that’s a business expense.’
‘Whatever lets you sleep at night.’ I watched a family of quail scuttle across the yard and debated whether I wanted to involve Kaisall in another one of my problems. ‘How good are your hackers?’
‘I don’t have hackers,’ he said, each word crisp.
‘Right, yeah, of course not. But hypothetically speaking.’
‘Hypothetically,’ he drawled, ‘I hire only the best in the business.’
I nodded to myself as the pieces took shape in my head. ‘Then would you say, hypothetically, that someone playing at that level of the game would be able to figure out when some emails had been opened?’
‘Opened? Not just delivered?’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘But they’re not recent. We’re talking old emails.’
‘How old?’
I glanced at my phone. ‘More than a decade.’
Kaisall was quiet for a long moment. I heard him typing. Probably messaging one of the hackers he didn’t have on his payroll. Another beat passed before he said, ‘I need more than a minute with that one. If you can send me—’
From inside the house, I heard a door slam followed by a loud, booming belly laugh and then, ‘Come on, let’s bake bread! Do you know about yeast? Yeast. Yeast! It’s like an alien word. A word from literal aliens. But for bread. Did I tell you I bake bread every weekend? But not for the aliens. It’s for me.’
A breath whooshed out of me. ‘Kaisall, I have to go. My mother got my fiancée high.’
‘Your—what? When were you going to tell me you got engaged?’
‘It’s a stupid long story,’ I said, striding across the patio.
‘Congratulations?’
‘I’ll explain it over beers,’ I said. ‘That you buy.’
‘Fuck you,’ he crowed as I hung up.
I pocketed my phone and yanked out the earbuds as I stepped inside only to find Audrey sprawled on the floor, her hair flipped over her face, and giggling. I pointed at my mother, who had the good sense to look guilty. ‘What the fuck is this?’
‘It was an accident,’ she said. ‘I swear.’
‘I’m sorry. Did I need to explicitly tell you that you’re not allowed to drug my fiancée? Because I’d thought I made that clear the last time you pulled this shit.’
‘It really was a mistake. I didn’t have my glasses on,’ she said. ‘I mixed up the mints with the molly.’
‘I can’t fucking believe you.’ I dropped to the floor beside Audrey and brushed her hair out of her eyes. I swept a thumb over her warm, rosy cheek. ‘How are you doing, princess?’
She grabbed my wrist, holding me in place. ‘I feel…pink.’
‘Yeah. I can see that. I’m going to pick you up and—’
Her eyes went comically wide as she glanced all around. ‘Up from where?’
‘You’re on the floor, baby.’
She laced her fingers with mine and grabbed for the front of my shirt, dragging me closer with startling strength. ‘How did I get down here?’
‘The details are hazy but it started with my mother being a psychopath.’
‘I’m going to make some tea,’ Mom said. ‘Tea always helps.’
‘Don’t you dare,’ I said. ‘Water is the only thing I’m trusting from this house.’
‘How about I run down the street to Gary’s and get some seltzer? I know Audrey always orders sparkling water with lime.’
‘Yeah. Sure. Perfect. Go the fuck away.’ My mother hurried out the door as I hooked Audrey’s arms around my neck and gathered her up. ‘Hold on tight for me, Saunders.’
She nuzzled her face into my neck and proceeded to lick her way from the base of my throat to my ear. It was almost enough to make my knees buckle. I knew this wasn’t what she wanted and I had no business reacting to her right now but my dick was late in receiving that message.
‘You taste good,’ she said, tiptoeing her fingers up the back of my neck.
I kissed her forehead. ‘You taste better.’
She closed her eyes and smiled like the first light of dawn. Those fingers curled around my hair. She gave a slight tug, just hard enough to send a snap of heat through my entire body. ‘Sometimes you’re nice to me.’
‘Sometimes.’ I stared at her lips for far too long. ‘More, if you’d let me.’
Audrey shook her head, her eyes still shut. Somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind I found a memory of her like this—happy, free, completely uncalloused by years of doing what she was told and never what she chose. I couldn’t place the time or the circumstances but I remembered the way she smiled and how it dug into my muscles, under my ribs, until it wrapped around my heart. Seeing it again made it hard to breathe.
‘You don’t want that,’ she said, the words satin soft.
‘If you knew all the things I wanted,’ I whispered, ‘you wouldn’t worry about me being nice.’
She traced along my collar and down the line of my jaw. She tapped at my bottom lip like she was calling for an elevator until I scraped my teeth over that fingertip. ‘What would I worry about?’
I didn’t know if she’d remember this. If she was in there now, conscious of everything but too stoned to stop it. I didn’t know which way I wanted that to shake out.
But before I could answer, she wiggled in my arms like a damn puppy, all loose limbs and long hair and elbows slamming in my soft tissue. ‘Jude. Listen, listen, listen. Something has happened. Gravity has stopped and I’m floating.’
‘That’s—that’s not how gravity works, baby.’ I knew this wasn’t the moment to explain physics but I couldn’t help myself. ‘If there was even a momentary loss of gravity, the planet would no longer be intact.’
‘But—no! I’m drifting off into space. I can’t feel the ground anymore.’
‘No, baby, look. I’m just holding you.’
At last, she opened her eyes and blinked up at me like a slightly possessed attic doll. ‘Why are you holding me?’
‘Because the floor is hard and you were a little wobbly when you came back from lunch.’
‘It’s nice,’ she said, smashing her face into my neck again. ‘It’s fun to be small and precious sometimes.’
I ran my lips over her hair and let myself breathe her in while I could. ‘You should be precious all the time.’
She scoffed at that and went on burrowing into me. ‘No one wants me enough to care like that.’
‘I find that hard to—’
‘I need to feel gravity again,’ she said with a violent jolt. I didn’t want to draw comparisons between High Audrey and Overtired Percy but the parallels existed. ‘It isn’t real until I feel it.’
I set her on her feet but kept my arms around her. For safety reasons. Obviously. ‘Better? Or would you like to argue with me about the fundamentals of physics some more?’
She went up on her toes and then bent into a plié, sweeping an arm out at her side. I held her waist, feeling the pull and shift of her muscles. ‘I feel it again,’ she said, dropping deep into another plié.
My fingers flexed. ‘It never went away. I promise.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because things like that never change.’
The door opened behind us and Mom rushed in. ‘We cleared out Gary’s drink fridge.’ She motioned to him and the party-sized ice chest he rolled behind him. He swung the ice chest around and popped the top like he was selling bootleg iPhones. ‘He stocks all different flavors.’
‘I have raspberry tangerine,’ he said, holding up a can.
‘Yeah, that’s fantastic,’ I said to them as Audrey extended backward into a dramatic dip. ‘I’m taking her back to the hotel to sleep this off.’
‘Blood orange limeade,’ Gary went on.
‘Oh, no, you can’t go,’ Mom said. ‘Gary was going to cook for us tonight and we were going to show you some of the wedding plans.’
‘That’s not fucking happening,’ I said.
Gary held up another can. ‘Mango blackberry.’
‘I need to tell you a secret,’ Audrey loud-whispered into my ear. ‘Your mom is sus-shushishisus-sushisus-suspicious.’ She held up her ring finger and closed an eye at the same time like the two were on a pulley system. ‘About the—’
I sealed my lips to hers. I didn’t know what the rest of that sentence was and I didn’t want to find out. I could’ve let the kiss linger but she’d resent the fuck out of me for it when she sobered up. I’d resent me too. Probably. ‘Shh, princess. That’s for us to know.’
‘Ginger mule,’ Gary said.
Audrey slow-blinked, her lips parted and damp. ‘Okay.’ And then she brought both hands to my face, pressed her mouth to mine, and picked up where we left off.
She was messy and a bit wild. Her nails bit into my jaw, my cheeks, and feeling that raw hunger coming through her destabilized something in me. I knew I couldn’t touch her like this, no more than I already had, but goddamn that didn’t stop my mind from wandering to rich, indulgent places.
I needed her to remember this tomorrow. I just didn’t know if I’d survive if she did.
‘Orange vanilla.’
I broke away but held her tight to me, her head on my shoulder and my hand in her hair. ‘I’m going to take you back to the hotel. I think we could use a nap.’
Audrey murmured in agreement—and then snaked a hand between us and palmed my dick.
I yanked her wrist away before anyone noticed and trapped it against the small of her back. ‘Behave yourself.’
‘Will you stay with me?’ she asked.
I ran a thumb over her lips. ‘Of course.’
‘I swear, if you two are already married,’ Mom started, ‘I’m going to start whooping bottoms. I don’t care how old you are.’
‘Pineapple pomelo,’ Gary said.
‘Pomeloooooo,’ Audrey sang, kicking out a leg and nearly knocking the seltzer from Gary’s grip.
Rita appeared in the door, took one look at Audrey and tossed up her hands. ‘Dammit, Janet. You really have to organize your goodies better.’
‘It was an accident,’ Mom said.
‘Which one was it this time?’ Rita asked, her hands fisted on her hips. ‘The X, the shrooms, or the choose your own adventure gummies?’
‘Lime,’ Gary said.
‘The X,’ Mom replied, but then she held up a finger and squinted at the ceiling. ‘I think. I’d forgotten about the gummies.’
‘We’re leaving,’ I said, motioning for Mom to grab Audrey’s bag off the floor. ‘I can’t believe I have to tell you this but get your psychedelics in order. No more accidental dosing. Not cool, Mom.’
‘I’ll straighten it all out. I promise,’ she said, trailing behind me as I led Audrey to the door. It was more of a shuffle-and-slide while she licked my neck, which wasn’t making this any easier. ‘She’ll have a pleasantly woozy evening and then sleep like a baby. Everything will be back to normal tomorrow.’
‘Guava,’ Gary said.
‘Guaaaaaava,’ Audrey drawled.
‘Is she going to remember any of this?’
