Read In a Second (Friendship, RI Book 3) By Kate Canterbary Chapter 21 –
Today’s vocabulary word: strike
I followed Audrey outside as lightning streaked through the sky. The storm would be here within minutes. ‘You’re going the wrong way,’ I yelled after her.
She stopped and turned in the other—also wrong—direction. ‘I’m going where I want to—away from you!’
A small chorus of laughter sounded nearby and I noticed a few groups of smokers gathered on the side of the building.
She must’ve decided she wanted to holler at me more than she wanted to be alone because she stomped up to me, her hands fisted at her sides. ‘What the hell was that, Jude? I mean, what the hell?’ Before I could respond, she continued. ‘In case you’ve somehow lost your own plot, we’re only engaged to keep your mother happy. I’m not your fiancée anywhere but immediately in front of your mother, and even that’s due to end in short order. Everywhere else, we’re just two people who used to mean everything to each other.’
‘What do we mean to each other now?’
She let her eyes close for a second as she ran a hand through her hair. ‘I don’t know yet.’
Raindrops began to spit around us. ‘Yes, you do.’
‘No, I don’t, and yelling at me in front of a bunch of people isn’t going to change that.’
We stared at each other for a long, brittle moment where all I could see was her dancing with those cowboys and her head on my pillow and the way her lips moved when she told me her husband was finally out of the picture. Through it all, my mind rang with the same questions as always. The ones I didn’t think I’d ever be able to ask because the answers had the power to end me.
I stared off at the bruise-dark clouds instead. When the silence pulled too tight, I asked, ‘Why did you agree to this?’
‘Because you—’ She shook her head, sighing as her shoulders sagged and she closed in on herself. ‘It doesn’t matter. I’m here.’
‘Don’t start lying to me now, princess.’
‘I’m here because you needed me. Because you asked for help. Happy? I wasn’t able to make it right between us before but I could do this, and now you’re being a complete shitpickle about it.’ Her eyes sparkled as she pushed past me. ‘Thanks so much for that.’
I turned to follow her as a long roll of thunder filled the air. ‘Why couldn’t you make it right?’
‘I don’t want to talk about that,’ she shouted over her shoulder, all huffs and rage.
‘So you’re just going to run away again?’
She stopped, her back to me as she straightened her shoulders and fisted her hands. ‘I’m not running away from anything. I’m going back to our room because you decided to piss a pointless circle around me in the bar and no one’s going to want to dance with me now.’
I should’ve apologized. I should’ve told her how much the past few days with her had fucked me up. Should’ve said she was amazing on that dance floor and I’d give anything to watch her a little longer. Should’ve shut my mouth and walked her to the room. But I found a small well of courage and loosed one of the questions that’d chased me since I was eighteen. ‘Why did you do it? Why did you go to California?’
A crack of lightning lit up the sky and I saw those words hit her like an open-handed slap. They hit me just as hard.
‘Does it even matter?’ she asked.
‘All of it fucking matters, Audrey,’ I yelled. ‘We wouldn’t be here if it didn’t matter.’
She turned around and the skies opened, hard, driving rain soaking us through within seconds. There was no avoiding it.
She pushed her wet hair off her face. ‘Why didn’t you fight for me?’
‘What?’
‘I didn’t run away. My parents canceled my enrollment in Barnard and put me on a plane to California and I didn’t have—I couldn’t do anything about it. You probably knew that too, because you have a way of knowing everything and then acting like I should explain it all to you. What I want to know is why you didn’t fight for me,’ she said. ‘It was like you didn’t even notice when I left.’
I’d known some of that but I couldn’t spend any time on the new information because she was missing a few key details. ‘Are you forgetting the—’
‘I waited for you for three years but you didn’t come after me,’ she yelled. ‘I needed you and you didn’t fight. Not until it was too late.’
‘That’s what you think?’ I shook my head. I couldn’t believe this.
‘That’s what I know,‘ she shot back. ‘They sent me away and took everything I loved. I lost my whole world in one day and I was all alone for years. Everything we had was gone like it’d never existed. We were just…over, and it killed me. I barely got out of bed for months. I failed the whole first semester. It was all gone and I had nothing.’
Her chin wobbled and I knew she was crying through the rain. My chest cracked open as she turned away. I reached for her arm. ‘We weren’t over,’ I said, pulling her back. ‘Not then. Not now.’
I cupped her chin and brought my rain-soaked lips to hers for the first time in too fucking long. We crashed together as the thunder roared, her fingers clinging to my chest and shoulders while I gripped the waist of her jeans. Over the downpour, the smokers cheered us on.
Distantly, I knew we couldn’t stay out here. We had to take cover. Standing out in the open during a lightning storm was not smart.
‘Come here,’ I said against her lips, and boosted her into my arms. Her long legs went around my waist and her arms circled my neck. I kissed her like there’d never be enough and strode toward the motel, the rain pounding at my back.
I made it across the road and into the parking lot before another burst of lightning pierced the skies. The thunder echoed like the roar of a jet engine off the mountains. We were soaked down to the bone.
None of that stopped me from pushing her up against the door and sinking into the embrace of her body. I ran a hand up the delicate line of her neck and held her steady, my thumb pulling on her bottom lip. ‘More,’ I said, claiming her mouth again.
‘Jude,’ she whispered, her fingers in my hair. I almost died from that touch alone.
‘I know,’ I said between kisses. ‘Fuck, I know.’
Everything around us jolted as another peal of thunder broke free. ‘Inside,’ she said.
Her legs still around my waist and her lips on my neck, I fumbled for the key. When I finally freed it and opened the door, I carried her inside and perched her on the edge of the dresser. The hole in the ceiling had turned into a waterfall and the lights wouldn’t turn on but none of that slowed me down.
We clawed at each other, pulling at clothes and hair and every inch of skin we could reach. There was no patience, no thought, no art to it because we knew this spell could break at any minute and everything would come crashing down.
I rocked into the cradle of her thighs, making no mistake about what she was doing to me and what I wanted to do to her. She groaned like I’d never heard before, her head lolling back and her heels digging into my ass. She ripped at my shirt, nearly strangling me in the process of freeing my arms and pulling it over my head.
‘Easy there, princess,’ I said against her jaw. ‘You’d be sad if you killed me right now.’
She tugged hard on my hair and dragged my bottom lip between her teeth. I was stunned I didn’t come on the spot. Honestly stunned. ‘Not as much as you’d think.’
‘Feel better?’ I emptied my pockets onto the dresser, throwing down my keys, wallet, and phone before she used any of them against me. ‘Now that you’ve stopped being so fucking polite?’
She raked her nails down my neck. It yanked a growl from deep in my chest. ‘There’s nothing wrong with being polite.’ Her words were barely a purr as she broke my skin and twisted my soul around her fingers. ‘You should give it a try.’
I scraped my teeth along her jaw. If she wanted to leave a mark, so would I. ‘You like me rude.’
‘Sometimes,’ she whispered, her hand dropping to my belt. God fuck more yes. ‘And sometimes you should shut the hell up and let me dance.’
‘Admit it.’ I kissed my way across her collarbone. ‘You wanted me to see you dancing with all those cowboys.’
She blinked at me between hard, hungry kisses, her hands mapping my shoulders and raindrops still clinging to her lashes. ‘Why would I do that?’
I hooked my thumb inside her waistband, traced the warm skin at the small of her back. ‘To get me jealous.’
I felt her laugh against my cheek. ‘And now that you are? What are you going to do about it?’
Her lips tilted in the same taunting curve she’d worn on the dance floor, the one that gutted me while cowboys spun her across the room. Only now, I wasn’t watching from a distance—and that was worse, because after all this time I finally knew how it felt to get her back. It scared the hell out of me—and made me feral in wanting to prove she’d always been mine.
I grabbed her by the belt loops, yanking her all the way to the edge of the dresser. ‘I need to get you out of these wet clothes,’ I said, my hand flat over her zipper. My middle finger traced the seam running between her legs. Slow enough to catch my breath. Slow enough for her to change her mind. ‘Don’t want you catching a chill.’
A shiver moved through her shoulders. ‘Can’t have that.’
I thumbed the top button open and for a split second it wasn’t dazed lust in her eyes but something older and far more delicate. Something like relief. Then it hit me too. Felt like I was a minute away from my chest bursting open or laughing until I couldn’t breathe or holding her so tight that all the pieces of me she’d stolen slipped into place and I felt whole again.
I tipped her chin up and kissed her. A gasp squeaked out of her and I growled against her lips. If I wasn’t climbing out of my skin to hold her and taste her and keep her, I would’ve spent the next ten hours doing everything in my power to tease that sound out of her once more.
‘Arms up, baby,’ I said, gripping her shirt. ‘That’s it. Good. Let me get you warm.’
When I tossed it aside, I buzzed my hands down her sides, up her back, across her belly. Her lips parted in the most delicious way and her body was a fever dream of memories.
I leaned in to press a kiss between her breasts. Goose bumps broke out along her arms and chest as I traced my knuckles over the cups of her bra. Instinct told me to hurry the hell up, to just fucking get there, but something even older than instinct told me to go slow, to get it right. ‘You’re different now.’
‘You too,’ she whispered, her hands scrabbling at my torso, my back. Gulping down everything she could reach.
‘Looks good on you.’ I turned her around to face the dresser and mirror hanging above it. Dropping my attention to the spot where her neck and shoulder met, I kissed and nipped at her until she laughed, shrieked, squirmed in my arms. ‘I like it.’
Though it was dark, I met her gaze in the mirror as I rocked my shaft against her ass. I brought a hand to the flat of her belly, countering the pressure from behind, and spread out my fingers until two slipped into her panties.
Her lips parted on a breath, and then, ‘You never answered my question.’
I stared at her reflection as I tapped her clit. ‘Which one? You have me a little distracted with other matters here.’
‘What are you going to do about me making you jealous?’ she asked, her hands fluttering at her sides like she didn’t know where they belonged.
I solved that problem with a quick, hard pinch to her clit. It wasn’t nice and wasn’t meant to be, as her guttural cry confirmed. But it put a stop to the overthinking. ‘Let me show you,’ I said, grinding into her once more. ‘Don’t move unless you want me to stop.’
I placed her hands on the dresser in front of us. Pressed a palm between her shoulder blades until she bent at the waist, her cheek on the faux wood surface. My blood whomped through my veins at the sight, loud and reckless. Goddamn, I didn’t even know where to start. I just knew I didn’t want it to end.
With her jeans out of the way, I dropped to my knees. I wasn’t interested in fucking around with panties, as fuck-hot as they were, and peeled those off next. Her breath caught when I widened her stance and she yelped when I traced my knuckles down the inside of her thigh. Those long, lean dancer’s muscles trembled under my touch. Perfect.
My imagination went to a dangerous place and it dug in there. Filthy, desperate thoughts unspooled before me, each one a little wilder, a little more devastating. I could pick her up and carry her to that bed and worship her until the sun burned out. Defile her in every way I knew, come up with a few others I didn’t. Show her that it wasn’t over, had never been over. Prove that I could give her everything she needed. Promise her anything, everything. Fuck her until she forgot the names of everyone who’d come since me.
I ran my fingertips between her legs, barely a touch at all but still enough to have her slapping a hand against the dresser. A shudder moved through her as I stroked, and while my hands trembled, I grinned at the perfect heart shape of her ass. Too cute. I rubbed my cheek against her, letting her feel the scrape and bristle of my beard against that smooth skin.
‘Jude,’ she cried out.
I nipped at her backside. Couldn’t see the welt but I knew it was there. ‘You want me to stop?’ A breath passed, then another. No response. ‘That’s what I thought.’
I rubbed my thumbs along her seam, spreading all the wet I found waiting for me. I leaned in, speared my tongue through the same path I’d just teased. She jerked against me and I heard a yelped ‘Oh!‘ between the rumbling thunder.
I knew if I even thought about that sound again, I’d lose it. I wanted to make this good for her but goddamn I was already hugging the edge. I wanted to play and explore and learn this gorgeous woman all over again. But I also wanted to devour her until she lost the ability to stand on her own—and that desire won out in the end. I gripped the back of her thigh hard, hard enough to dent her perfect skin. ‘What did I tell you about staying still?’
I didn’t wait for a reply and went back to drowning myself between her thighs. Her scent surrounded me, rich and intoxicating. The feel of her against my tongue woke up one of the purest memories of her I had. One I’d buried so deep I’d almost forgotten. But I knew this. I’d always know it.
Her legs shook as I dragged my tongue around her clit, though when I shifted my hand to steady her, I realized I was shaking too. I ran those trembling fingers up her thigh, across the crease where her leg met the round of her ass, and over those plump, pretty lips. She breathed out a gorgeous moan as I pet her and I wanted—fuck, I wanted everything. I wanted to take her the fuck apart and make her watch while I did it and I wanted to let her crush me into shards too small to ever put back together—just fucking end me, once and for all.
I pushed a finger inside her, then another, and heard a choked ‘Oh my god‘ that had me grinning into her cunt. It was nice to know I could still do something right.
She rocked against me and we fell into a tentative rhythm, my fingers shuttling into her as I sucked and stroked her clit. I fucking loved it. Even if we went no further, I knew this would be enough for me. Tonight, this week, the rest of my fucking life. If I stopped and thought about this at all, my cock would burn a hole through my jeans and spill for entire minutes.
We didn’t speak. My mouth was fully occupied and Audrey stayed quiet, offering little more than soft gasps and murmured hums. But I thought we needed it that way. We still couldn’t find the right things to say to each other but this—this we could do.
I sank onto my heels and pulled Audrey with me, forcing her legs wider and tilting her hips to feed me that sweet, shining clit. I wanted her to get it, to use me, to go after the friction she needed. With my free hand, I wrested my jeans open, gave myself a quick, quelling tug. Nothing short of obscene, the two of us.
A tremor moved up her legs and into her core, and I felt a gorgeous clench that drew my fingers deep into her cunt. She clawed at the dresser as I kept the pressure steady on her clit and my arousal turned into a sharp, concentrated thing. It would rip me open if I let it, and I would.
I’d never known how to save myself when it came to Audrey. Never cared to learn.
‘Oh— Oh my— Yes.‘ That last word spilled out in a sigh and I was certain I’d never be able to get another woman off without hearing that sound in my head. Fuck, I’d never be able to get myself off without hearing it.
I felt the pounding of her pulse against my tongue and my hand was wet down to my wrist. I could’ve stayed here all night. Could’ve served her from my knees until we both collapsed.
Except, no. That wasn’t what she needed now.
Skimming my fingers along the outsides of her thighs, I pushed to my feet. Everything inside me yanked tight like a hunger pang. Breaths heaved out of her as I dragged her up from the dresser and folded my arms around her. I pressed my lips to her neck as she shook against me.
It was good that we didn’t say anything. It would be wrong, whatever I came up with. And she’d find the smallest possible string of words to destabilize my entire existence.
She reached back, blindly pawing at my jeans. When she got a handful, she fumbled them down far enough to make her point.
‘I don’t have a condom,’ I said, hating myself more in that moment than ever before.
‘Doesn’t matter,’ she panted.
I blinked at that. I could not have heard her correctly. ‘Say that again?’
‘I can’t get pregnant right now,’ she said. ‘And I haven’t been with—’
‘Fuck, princess, say less.’ I locked one arm around her waist, holding us steady as I gripped my cock. She was so fucking wet. And soft. Like nothing else in the world. Her head dropped back against my shoulder and her nails bit into my forearm. We groaned together at the unbelievable pressure.
I was barely inside her when the room filled with artificial light and my phone buzzed like a record scratch, Percy’s photo flashing across the screen.
We stared at it as her fingers dug trenches in my forearm. I swallowed hard. My brain was buried an inch inside her and only the thinnest shred of my consciousness wanted to be someone’s parent tonight. If he could just go to sleep without me this one time… ‘I’ll talk to him later.’
She sucked in a long breath that squeezed the almighty fuck out of my shaft. ‘Are you sure?’
The buzzing stopped but it started up again before I could promise that my son had the ability to wait thirty minutes. An hour if we wanted to be ambitious.
But— ‘You should take that.’
Everything inside me ached and I bent, dropping my forehead to her shoulder because I knew this was over. For now. All I could say was, ‘Fuck.’
A stifled laugh. ‘Yeah.’
She wriggled away from me as best she could, considering I had her in a stranglehold and pinned to a dresser, saying, ‘Talk to him. It’s okay. He needs you.’ Her head down and an arm over her chest, she darted toward the bathroom. ‘I’m just going to— I mean, my hair. It’s all wet. I should— Yeah. That’s what I’ll be doing. In there.’
The bathroom door closed behind her, leaving me standing there in the dark with my dick out and my head fucked fourteen different ways.
A full minute passed where I stared at that door, the phone vibrating and my body pulsing, and couldn’t move. My first thought was to break down the door and finish what we’d started.
I heard the shower turn on and a ragged pulse of desire hit me like I’d walked into a wall. I wanted to strip off my clothes and climb in there with her. Just to touch her again and breathe her in and know she was— Fuck. I wanted her to explain what’d happened here and what happened next. Show me the map and tell me what it said.
But there was time for that. We had all of tonight and then four more days together. We had time.
Read In a Second (Friendship, RI Book 3) By Kate Canterbary Chapter 22 –
Today’s vocabulary word: intervene
Another call from Percy came in and then one more while I hunted down some hand sanitizer. With that handled, I grabbed some dry shorts and a shirt. I stepped outside, the rain slowing as the storm moved through, and accepted the next call.
‘I called you six times,’ he signed.
‘Nice to see you too,’ I replied, dropping onto the metal chair I’d found Audrey in earlier. The fresh air blowing in with the storm felt good on my skin. Good for my head too. ‘And you know that if I’m not able to answer right away, I’ll always call you back as soon as I can.’
He stared at me, his lips pursed as if he cared very little for this feedback. If only he knew how little I cared for his timing tonight. Then, ‘We went to a water park today and some of it was fun but it was really loud. There were a lot of big kids and they all ran around a lot.’ He glanced around his dark bedroom. ‘But I tried a churro and now I like them.’
‘That’s…’ I shook my head. Didn’t know Brenda had a water park visit on the docket for today. Didn’t know how much I liked that idea, seeing as Percy managed to contract an eye infection from every public pool he’d ever glanced at. ‘Good news about the churros.’
‘They’re fire.’
‘Fire?’ I echoed, and repeated the sign back to him because I refused to believe my four-year-old understood what he was saying. ‘Churros are fire?’
He nodded, his chubby cheeks round as he grinned. I still saw a baby when I looked at him. ‘Miss Maddie came to the water park. She thinks churros are fire too.’
‘Mmm. Yeah. I bet she does.’ Maddie had been Penny’s best friend. They grew up together. Maddie still lived in her childhood home, a few doors down from Brenda. She adored Percy. Me, she could do without. ‘How are your eyes? Anything feeling itchy?’
‘I’m okay,’ he signed, his attention shifting to his stuffed animals. ‘Can we find churros in Virginia?’
‘We have churros back home,’ I said. ‘What about Grandma? How’s she doing?’
‘Asleep.’ He shrugged. ‘I turned off the TV and checked the doors after dinner though.’
God fucking help me. ‘What about brushing your teeth?’
‘Already done.’ He smoothed a hand over his favorite stuffie, a small, fluffy dog he called Beast.
‘Okay. What else is on your mind?’
‘Nothing.’ Another shrug. ‘How many days until I can go home?’
‘Just a few more weeks,’ I said. ‘Do you want me to read to you? We could get through another chapter if you want.’
‘Miss Maddie said I could go to kindergarten if I stay here.’ His pouty glare sliced right through me. ‘Why do I have to wait until next year if I go home?’
I almost dropped the phone. If I go home. I wanted my kid to know his mother’s family and where she’d grown up. But coparenting with people who kept praying I’d decide to forfeit my parental rights and turn my son over to them was a nightmare.
The last thing I wanted was for my kid to realize he was caught between people who wanted very different things for him. Still, it seemed like I was the only one with that priority.
I cleared my throat and forced myself to exhale as much tension as possible before answering. ‘I’m not sure that’s the way it works in Michigan, buddy. I think you still need to be five by the start of September.’
‘Miss Maddie says I can.’
I felt hard, corded tension locking up my neck as I nodded. Maddie came in strong with the fun aunt energy. This often took the shape of Donuts for dinner! and Of course you can skip your occupational therapy exercises today! and If you lived here, we could have sleepovers every night! ‘I know this is a big deal for you and it’s important to me too.’
‘I don’t want to go to that baby school anymore,’ he signed. ‘I don’t want to go there ever in infinity.’
That baby school cost more than most undergrad tuition and had a specialized program for young children with communication differences. He’d learned ASL there and how to use different apps and tools to express himself.
His main beef with the place was that they didn’t have enough books to keep up with his appetite—or much of a plan for working with a kid reading at his absurdly high level. That, and he was barely out of toddlerhood and couldn’t form objective opinions on these things yet.
‘You won’t be going back there,’ I said. ‘I’m going to find the perfect place for you. I have a friend who’s a teacher and I’m going to get her advice. She’ll know what to do. Trust me on this.’
He stroked Beast’s head as one tear streaked down his cheek. ‘Okay.’
‘All right, young man. Listen up.’ When he met my gaze after a long moment of tending to Beast, I said, ‘It’s really late for me. I’m going to conk out any minute. We better get you into that bed.’
He set the tablet down and shuffled around the room, rearranging his stuffies and pulling down the sheets. When he climbed into bed, he propped the tablet between his toys and curled on his side to face me. ‘Are you at Grammy Jannie’s house now?’
‘Not yet,’ I said. ‘I’ll get there tomorrow.’
‘Are you going to ride horses?’
I shook my head. Another thing we’d missed on Mom’s itinerary. ‘Not this time but we’ll definitely do it when we visit her for the holidays this winter.’
‘Special secret trails only.”
‘You know me,’ I replied. ‘I don’t get on a horse unless it’s to ride with my child on unmarked trails in unfamiliar territory.’
He gave me a floppy little salute as he yawned. ‘Remember not to eat any of Grammy Jannie’s candy.’
I’d learned the hard way that the candy dishes scattered around my mother’s place were filled with medicinal treats. I ended up sleeping it off on the floor because the bed felt too porous. Which had been a very real concern for me at the time.
‘Thanks for the reminder.’ I’d have to mention that to Audrey. God only knew what would happen if my mother dosed her with her special blend of psychoactives. ‘Do you want to watch some videos? Or do you want me to read to you?’
He tapped a finger to his chin. We started watching funny internet videos when he’d been miserably sick with an ear infection. I scrolled through social media while he dozed in my lap but he stopped me when a panda video came across my feed. For thirty seconds, the only thing that mattered to him was watching those pandas fall out of trees and roll down hills. Ever since, I’d kept a folder of bookmarked videos to help him zone out.
I didn’t know if using social media to get my kid to sleep made me a terrible parent but it wasn’t like I was introducing him to dudes with podcasts. Just goofy animals and some hypnotic cooking videos. Extremely precise cookie decorating clips knocked him out every time.
His eyes almost closed, he shook his head, signing, ‘Too tired.’
‘All right, good sir. This is where I leave you. Sleep well.’ Another yawn slipped out of him. ‘Call me if you need anything. Especially if your eyes are itchy when you wake up. Love you, Perce.’
‘Love you,’ he said, his fingers barely forming the sign.
I let the call linger for a few more minutes as he drifted off. I watched him breathe, just as I did most nights. Hadn’t let go of that since the car accident. There was certainty in watching his little chest rise and fall. I didn’t have all the answers but I knew he’d be okay. We’d be okay.
I typed a few notes to myself about touring some more schools when I got back home and pulled up the contact for the educational consultant I’d worked with to find the so-called baby school. Maybe they’d be able to steer me in the right direction, if Audrey didn’t have any ideas.
It was strange to think about leaning on Audrey that way. Even when I’d decided to find her and convince her to come on this trip with me, I didn’t let myself think about talking to her again. Not the way we used to talk. Didn’t let myself think about sharing a bed or stripping off her wet clothes either.
I ended the call and pushed to my feet, staring at the vast dark stretching out before me. Stars peeked out from behind fast-moving clouds and stray threads of lightning struck in the distance. It wasn’t so bad here.
Thinking about it now, under the endless blanket of dark sky and the scents of pinyon pine and rain-soaked red rock, this stop in Grandwood Valley hadn’t been bad at all.
As I turned back toward the room, memories of her mouth on mine drowned out the lingering worry about schools and eye infections until all I could think about was the way she’d clung to me as if we hadn’t even lost a day. I wanted to go back there, to that moment when she reached for me, when she chose me.
And when she said I’d abandoned her. When she said I’d given up on her.
Those words hurtled through my mind on an endless loop. In all the destruction between us, I didn’t know what was true anymore—and I didn’t know what I’d find when I opened this door. Odds were high that Audrey had already power-washed the incident from memory and was going to wrap herself up in all that polite, good girl energy to keep the boundaries in place.
But I watched her dance with every cowboy in that dive bar tonight. I watched her smile and flirt and shake her sweet little ass. And then she wrapped her body around mine like she wouldn’t be happy unless she stole a piece of me to keep for herself.
Audrey was no good girl—and she wasn’t nearly as polite as she wanted everyone to believe.
Read In a Second (Friendship, RI Book 3) By Kate Canterbary Chapter 23 – Today’s vocabulary word: preemptive
I flopped back against the bathroom door, one hand over my mouth and the other desperately trying to shove my heart back into my chest. Fresh waves of adrenaline coursed through my veins and my pulse clanged in my ears. My skin was a foreign thing, blistered and tight and throbbing.
Shudders moved through my shoulders and a hot flush painted my skin in splotches of pink and red as I reached all the way down to find an ounce of regret. I kept grabbing for it, searching for proof that I’d done something wrong—and I couldn’t find it.
And that scared the hell out of me.
What did we just do? I dragged a palm over my eyelids as another thought barged into my head: What if it happens again?
The problem with me—one of the many—was that I needed to know what everything meant. I couldn’t sit back and enjoy the ride. I had to snatch every moment as it passed, hold it up to the light, and turn it over and over until I understood what it said.
But when I held those words up—We weren’t over. Not then. Not now—the only thing I understood was that we’d never be able to climb over the history between us. Never let it go, never move on. Everything we were was colored by the way it ended. And we’d spent an entire lifetime apart now. We’d grown up and grown apart, and there was no reason to believe we could pick up where—
Yet my body remembered him in ways my mind hadn’t. His skin, his sounds, all of it. He kissed just like he always had. Focused and determined and so fucking sure of himself. Like we could start exactly where we’d left off and not a single thing would change.
I traced a finger over my lips, pressing hard at the sensitive spots. Little tingles zapped through me with every pass and my bones ached to open that door and finish what we started.
But I made the worst decisions when it mattered the most—and this mattered more than anything. I knew what would happen if I went back out there now. We’d have sex and it would be incredible. And we wouldn’t stop after one time. But eventually we would stop and it would end in the most gutting, grueling way possible.
Then I’d be alone all over again. I didn’t think I’d be able to bear it this time.
I heard Jude moving around the room. His phone kept buzzing but he didn’t answer. I didn’t know why not. I pushed off from the door on legs barely steady enough to propel me toward the shower.
All I knew was I couldn’t stumble into a wall or make any sounds that would send him barging in here. We couldn’t keep running into each other in the shower.
I turned on the water but didn’t bother climbing into the stall. I rested my forehead on the wall and waited for Jude to answer his son’s call. I didn’t want to admit it but deep in a dark little corner of my mind, I’d thought about this. Thought about us. Hoped? I wasn’t sure. Yes, hoped, if I was being hideously honest. It wasn’t that I expected to get him back but I just wanted to remember what it’d been like before I ruined it all. I wanted to visit that place one last time.
But much like all the other things I acted out in my head, the reality was a different story.
I heard the front door close and held my breath, waiting. As the seconds passed and I heard no movement from inside the room, I let that breath out in a slow, choppy exhale.
Then I sprang into action.
A thin, scratchy towel wrapped around me, I peeked out the bathroom door. It was empty and dark. Either the power was out from the storm or we hadn’t bothered with the lights. I startled at the muffled sound of Jude’s voice filtering in from outside. I forced myself to stop and listen for a second, just to figure out how much time I had, but I couldn’t hear anything over my own heartbeat.
Since I didn’t want to get caught halfway into a pair of sleep shorts, I grabbed dry clothes and my toiletry bag, and flew back to the bathroom. I showered in the dark, fast and efficient. A little harsh too. Scrubbed hard at my skin, chasing away the sweat and dust and rain. I didn’t let the washcloth linger on my nipples or between my legs. Didn’t imagine someone stepping in behind me and pressing me up against—
Not helping.
I rinsed, dried off, and dressed quickly, making a beeline for the bed before my brain could invent anything worse than sexy shower thoughts. I twisted my hair into a high bun that would be loose waves tomorrow, downed my nighttime meds, and shook out the blankets. In case of lizards.
God, please don’t let there be any lizards.
I paused, a pair of pillows in hand, and debated building up the borderlands between us tonight. Was there any point? After everything?
But if I didn’t rebuild the wall, it would extend an invitation I didn’t think I could grant. I’d spent years stitching these seams into place. I didn’t know if I was prepared to rip them open all in one night.
I set one pillow in the middle and curled on my side, my back to the door. It was the only thing to do though I wasn’t sure it was the right thing. For all I knew, Jude was out there drowning himself in a bucket of regret.
I caught his voice through the wall, low and steady as he promised his son everything would be okay. It was probably selfish to wish he’d say those words to me. He would, if I asked. That was why he was such a good dad. A really good dad.
I didn’t know why that realization hurt so much but when I tried to swallow it down, it broke something inside me. There was a definite snap, the same as every time I’d broken toes dancing, and I knew that even when it healed, it wouldn’t be the same again.
For once, I didn’t want to examine what any of this was or ask what it meant. I knew well enough that there was no point in looking at it too closely. Instead, I tugged the sheets up to my chin and squeezed my eyes shut.
There’d be no reason to talk if I was asleep when he returned. I’d be an immovable object in the shape of a woman, barricaded and fully incapable of carrying on a painfully awkward conversation about why we couldn’t do this.
We weren’t over. Not then. Not now.
I buried my face in the pillow while Jude told his son to call if he needed anything. Would he tell me the same thing at the end of this week? And would I ever call if he did offer?
I wasn’t sure—and that was why the pillow needed to stay between us tonight.
Read In a Second (Friendship, RI Book 3) By Kate Canterbary Chapter 24 –
Today’s vocabulary word: counsel
I trudged along the side of the road, my strappy beige wedges gathering gritty dust with every step. Not even an hour past dawn and the dry, thin air of the high desert was already oven-hot. That sun was unrelenting.
I held my phone over my head, flailing in search of a signal.
I’d woken to ribbons of early morning light sliding in through the sides of the curtains and the absolute certainty that Jamie would know what to do with my present state of affairs. That left me to sneak out of the room and far enough away from the motel to unload every detail of the past three days on her.
Except I couldn’t get a signal.
This left me wandering the streets of Grandwood Valley in shoes that would need to be laid to rest after this trip and paying no attention at all to where I was going.
I finally stumbled onto a stable signal outside a livestock feed store and ducked into a wedge of shade while I waited for Jamie to answer. It was early for her, even with the time zone difference.
‘Hello, my love,’ she sang, her voice bringing a rush of relief to my chest. ‘How’s it going? Tell me everything.’
‘How long do you have?’
She cackled. ‘It’s moving day, so maybe just the highlights, but I’ll have all the time in the world for you tomorrow.’
‘Oh my god, that’s right.’ I pressed a hand to my forehead. I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten. ‘How’s it going?’
‘Well, I’m already counting down the minutes until I drop my ass into a kiddie pool in the backyard and drink my weight in moonshine margaritas, if that answers your question.’ She laughed again and I heard the shriek of packing tape in the background. ‘You know I’m so happy that my roommates are starting on new journeys and everything is wonderful and joyous for them.’
‘But,’ I prompted.
‘But I am twenty-nine and moving in with my dad,’ she said, her tone flat.
‘I know, honey,’ I said.
‘I’m working very hard at telling myself it’s not a failure or a step backward. I’m going to have a real kitchen and so much more space—and let’s not forget about the kiddie pool in the backyard. There are no kiddie pools in my life right now. Or backyards. I mean, I live in a building that used to mass-produce spaghetti. There’s nothing sexy about that. There’s nothing sexy about living with my dad either but alas I am a lady of multitudes.’
‘You’re moving in with him only because he needs your help,’ I added. Her relationship with her father had its own index of complications but his health wasn’t in a great place and he couldn’t live alone anymore—not that he’d admit it. Now, with her roommates moving out and on to new adventures, the time was right to go home. ‘No part of that says failure, James.’
‘I know, I know.’ I could almost hear her bobbing her head. ‘And this is better than staying there half the time and trying to check in on him only for his phone to be off the other half. It’s just a change that I haven’t totally embraced and I kind of want someone to stamp an asterisk on my forehead so I can say Yes, I’m moving home but not like that.‘
‘You’d look cute with an asterisk on your forehead,’ I said. ‘It could serve several purposes.’
‘It really could.’ I heard her gulp down a drink. Then, ‘Give me the quick and dirty on your fake-fiancée tour.’
‘We’ve had every travel disaster in the world, and ended up getting stuck in a small town in Utah—I think? I don’t even know where I am anymore—where we’re sharing a horror movie motel room that has a ceiling leak, lizards, and only one bed. And—’
‘Hold up, baby girl,’ she said. ‘You’re sharing a room and a bed?’
I emptied everything into a sigh. ‘Yes.’
‘Mmhmm.’ I could hear her smug grin. ‘Go on.’
‘I was dancing with bull riders last night and then we yelled at each other for a few minutes before we kissed and did a few other things and had some sex—’
‘You had some sex? What does that even mean? Oh my god, Audrey, never change.’
‘It would’ve turned into quite a lot of sex if his kid hadn’t called.’
After a beat of silence, I heard a slow clap. ‘I always knew you had it in you.’
‘Jamie! What should I do?’ I wailed.
‘Why do you have to do anything? Just let it happen.’
‘I can’t let it happen,’ I said.
‘And why not? I’m just saying, you’re supposed to be putting on this elaborate show of being engaged and there’s obviously some tension there so why not ride it out?’ She chuckled. ‘Literally.’
‘Because—because we can’t go down that road again,’ I said, though it sounded like a pathetic excuse even to my ears. The most pathetic excuse. But it was also true, as much as I hated it. ‘And I don’t think he wants that.’
‘Right, right, right,’ she murmured. ‘He’s probably very meh about the whole thing. When you think about it, he dreamed you up—specifically you—as his fiancée and orchestrated this whole thing and participated in the jealous arguing, kissing, and getting half undressed. That’s all very vague. I’m straining to connect the heart-shaped dots over here.’
‘That’s not what’s happening and I never said anything about jealous arguing.’
‘No, you didn’t. You just prefaced it by saying you danced with bull riders, plural—nicely done, by the way—so I’m left to assume this boy of yours didn’t enjoy watching from the sidelines.’
‘Fine. Let’s say that’s true. That means his reaction was about the heat of the moment and nothing else.’
‘You’re saying he was so overcome by watching other guys touch you that the only thing he could do was make sure you remembered him touching you?’ Jamie laughed. ‘Yeah. You’re probably right. That meant nothing.’
‘We just can’t go there,’ I said.
‘Why not?’ Before I could respond, she went on. ‘Not the wacky little stories you tell yourself to keep from doing the things you want, but seriously, truly, actually why not? Because I can’t see a single downside to making the most of being trapped in a motel room with your possessive ex.’
‘I know what you’re doing,’ I said.
‘Fabulous, but do you know what you’re doing? Because I’d call it ignoring obvious signs.’
I huddled closer to the side of the feed store as the sun swallowed up my shade. I could feel it scorching the back of my arms. ‘I can’t go there with him again. There’s no way it would work out and, anyway, our lives are going in totally different directions.’
‘And who’s to say they have to keep going in those directions? Or that those directions aren’t meant to converge?’
‘James, I love you, but I can’t have an existential conversation right now. I need to know how to spend five non-awkward hours in a car with my alleged fiancé after we mauled each other last night.’
‘You want to find out where his head’s at? Ignore him.’
I shook my head. ‘What?’
‘Yeah. Trust me on this. Read a book. Knit a scarf. Pop in some earbuds and listen to a podcast. Whatever. Do your own thing. Be aloof—you’re remarkably good at that.’
‘Thank you?’
‘Anytime, babe. Quiet yourself down and give him time to let those thoughts of his swirl themselves into a tornado. Just like they did when you started dirty dancing.’
‘It wasn’t dirty dancing.’
‘If they were bull riders, it was dirty dancing. They don’t know any other way.’
‘And how do you know anything about bull riders?’ I asked.
‘We don’t have time for a lesson in ropes today,’ she said. ‘We’ll sit in the kiddie pool when you’re back home and have a single girls’ night, and we’ll get into it. If that boy doesn’t wife you up before then.’
‘There will be no wifeing up on this trip,’ I whisper-yelled.
Behind me, a throat cleared. Loudly.
I had a feeling I knew who that sound belonged to. I dug my teeth into my lower lip and turned to find Jude standing a few feet away, his hands on his hips. Sunglasses hid his eyes but I recognized the cocky arch of his brow, the hard tick in his jaw.
‘James,’ I said to her, still staring at him, ‘I’ll call you tomorrow. Have fun in the pool.’
‘What’s happening? Is he there? Oh my god, he’s there, isn’t he? How much did he hear? I need to know. Prepare to be sick of me. Save every crumb for me and I’ll eat them from the palm of your hand.’
Jude swept a glance over my long sundress and the wedges stained dusty red. ‘Whenever you’re ready,’ he started, nodding at the rental car I hadn’t noticed pull up in front of the feed store, ‘we can get going.’
‘I’ll talk to you later,’ I said to Jamie. ‘Love you.’ I ended the call as Jamie went on howling for details. ‘How did you know where to find me? Did you put a tracker on me? Like a microchip for a golden retriever?’
He sanded his knuckles through his scruff, his brows lifting in consideration. ‘No, but that’s a good idea. Would save me some time.’ When I only stared at him, he added, ‘Small town. Not a lot of options.’
I nodded, glancing over to the car. ‘I just need to get my—’
‘Already loaded the luggage,’ he said.
‘Oh. Okay.’ I shielded my eyes from the sun to see him better. ‘Thanks.’
‘Come on.’ He reached out, trailed the backs of his fingers down my arm until his hand circled my wrist. ‘You’re getting sunburned.’
Whatever it was that held me together—the hard leather of scars, and the social graces, and the mental corsets—eased until a strangely deep breath bubbled out of me. I felt a tug on those bindings, a finger tripping over the laces until he found the spot to start taking me apart.
He slid the pad of his thumb over my pulse and watched me with the lazy patience of any good apex predator. All I could do was stand there, my arms lightly toasted and my shoes ruined, and watch him while the strings holding him together loosened too. It happened in fractional parts and I wouldn’t have noticed if we hadn’t been standing close enough to hear each other breathe. The broad line of his shoulders, that granite jaw, the ceaseless pinch in his brows. And then he exhaled and it was like he’d stepped out of his armor.
I followed the bob of his throat as he swallowed. I’d never once in my life considered pressing my mouth to the front of someone’s neck but now it was all I could think about.
I didn’t believe Jamie was completely right, but…maybe she wasn’t completely wrong either.
‘Hot water,’ he said, clearing his throat again. ‘For your tea. I picked up a cup of hot water.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, the words quiet. ‘I was going to ask. About stopping. Thanks.’
He tipped his head in a slight nod. ‘Did you sleep all right?’
I wanted to know if he felt my pulse jump in response. ‘Yeah. What about you?’
A brow arched over the rim of his sunglasses. ‘Not bad.’ The corner of his lips crooked up. ‘Panicked a little when I woke up and couldn’t find you.’
‘Oh, sorry about that.’ I breathed out a laugh. ‘I couldn’t get a signal.’
He murmured in agreement. ‘I figured that, even if you ditched me, you wouldn’t leave your noise machine behind.’
‘It’s an air purifier,’ I said. ‘And I’m not going to ditch you.’
His thumb skated up the inside of my forearm and down to my palm as those laces of mine loosened a little more. ‘You’re not?’
‘No, I’m not.’ I shuffled my feet, feeling the fine grit of red rock dust trapped between my toes. ‘I’m already three full days, one ungodly lizard, and an epic storm into this trip. Aside from the fact I’m in the middle of nowhere and have very little chance of getting out of here on my own, I’m committed.’
‘I’m not so sure about those chances,’ he said, that thumb back on my pulse. ‘You’re stronger than you think.’
‘I—well.’ I pressed my lips together because I didn’t know what to say to that. I was strong. I knew that and I was proud of all the things my strength had done for me but hearing it from Jude hit differently. It filled one of those empty spaces inside me. The one I’d ignored for years and told myself I could live without.
A truck rolled up towing a horse trailer and we both glanced in that direction. A cloud of dust billowed around the truck and the horses poked their heads out the back of the trailer. I waved to them.
Jude laughed under his breath. ‘Did you wave to the horses?’
‘I don’t know why you’re asking because you watched it happen.’ I shrugged. ‘They seem like nice horses.’
He pushed his free hand through his hair. A smile broke across his lips. ‘Percy would love that.’
I smiled at him but didn’t say any of the things burning on my tongue. That I liked when he talked about his son. That I wanted to hear more about him—the messy, complicated parts too. That it soothed my nervous system when we talked like this, calm and straightforward. I loved when we held verbal knives to each other’s throats but I needed the other side of it too.
We lingered there another moment, silent and half hidden along the side of the building. He gave nothing away and it made me want to crack his skull open and poke around with chopsticks until I found his secrets.
‘Should we—?’ I motioned to the car.
‘It’s usually about a five-hour drive,’ Jude said. ‘But there’s some damage from the storm. Might take a little longer.’
‘Okay.’ I couldn’t pin down whether he was waiting for me to snatch my wrist back or there was more road info to impart but I bobbed my head and waited. ‘That’s good to know.’
He stared at my wrist for a long moment, watching as he stroked my pulse again. ‘I probably should’ve done this sooner but—’
He jerked a shoulder up and I interpreted that to mean But it’s been a fucked-up few days. Maybe I was being generous and it was more like But I’ve avoided open communication at every possible turn. Probably a mix of both.
‘Anyway, you’re going to need this.’
He pulled a small velvet box from his pocket with his free hand. He popped it open to reveal a delicate gold band topped with a pale purple gem cut in an oval shape.
It was lovely. Slightly unusual but still classic. Elegant.
And the exact ring I’d described when we were seventeen and promising away our forevers. We’d sat at the window table at Semantic while he sketched the ring in his notebook and asked me to tell him who we’d be when we grew up.
I’d made him promise not to propose with a ring hidden in food or drink because I’d find a way to choke on it. He’d made me promise to marry him as soon as we finished college.
Seeing it now, real and solid as he slid it onto my finger, was like waking up in the middle of a dream and not being able to figure out where the dream ended and reality began. Or had it been a nightmare? Was this the nightmare? Would I wake up any second and be reminded that losing everything I’d loved over and over again was the best I could expect from this?
‘It fits,’ was my only response.
He twisted the band, settling it so the hefty stone sat perfectly on my finger. ‘Hmm. Yeah. I eyeballed it.’
He remembered. He remembered every detail, right down to the millwork on the band. The stone was even the size I’d requested—about as big as an almond. I couldn’t remember why that’d been important to me but he’d remembered it all. ‘It’s…it’s incredible.’
Jude held my wrist as he led me across the parking lot. ‘Okay, good, let’s go,’ he murmured, opening the passenger door.
He waited for me to drop into the seat and then pointed out the hot water and assorted breakfast items he’d sourced from the diner before closing my door.
I blinked down at the ring I’d wished for half a lifetime ago as he rounded the car. I didn’t want to tell myself stories about what this ring meant but it wasn’t easy.
The only thing I knew to be true was that Jude hadn’t forgotten.
He glanced over as he started the car and caught me staring at the ring. His face tightened into his signature scowl and I realized he’d gathered up all the armor he’d abandoned at the side of the building. He shifted into reverse and draped an arm over my seat as he surveyed the parking lot. I was positive he was going to run a hand through my hair or down my arm. I knew something was going to happen.
But all he said was, ‘Don’t worry, it’s not real. I found a place online with next-day shipping.’
I was right about something happening. I just hadn’t expected it to be a guillotine snapping my silly shreds of hope. ‘What a relief.’ My voice sounded distant and robotic.
‘I knew my mother would ask.’
‘Mmm. I can imagine she would.’
I held the paper cup between my palms and stared out the windshield as Jude merged onto the highway.
We didn’t say another word to each other for the next six hours.
Read In a Second (Friendship, RI Book 3) By Kate Canterbary Chapter 25 – Today’s vocabulary word: prevalance
‘There are a few things you should know before we go in there,’ I said, turning off the main road through Sedona to the neighborhood where my mother lived.
‘This is going to be good,’ Audrey said under her breath.
I ignored the bite behind her words the same as I’d ignored her pointed silence for the past few hours. I got it. I’d crossed a lot of lines last night and she was pissed. It wasn’t the direction she wanted this to go and that was fine. Finding her asleep in a bunker of pillows made it clear enough. Understood. Life liked to fuck up my hopes and dreams anyway. Not sure why I was wasting my time being disappointed.
I cleared my throat and focused on the issues at hand. ‘My mother lives in a small house that she shares with her friend Marguerite. It’s just enough for the two of them but nowhere near enough for another person, let alone two. Regardless, she’s going to insist we stay there.’
Audrey kept her gaze on the road ahead, her chin tipped up like it helped her pretend I wasn’t sitting beside her. ‘Please tell me that will not occur.’
‘It won’t, we have rooms at one of the resorts in town,’ I said. ‘But she will insist.‘
‘And you’re expecting me to defuse that situation?’
‘It would help.’ She clasped her hands in her lap and I took that as agreement. ‘Don’t eat any of the candy they have around the house unless you’re up for a strange trip.’
‘I believe I’m already on a strange trip.’
‘The kind that’ll have you freaking out over the texture of a rug and talking to doorknobs. I speak from experience.’ I rubbed the back of my neck as Mom’s little terra cotta-colored house came into view. ‘She’s going to want you to nail down plans. For the wedding.’
‘And I’m defusing that one too?’
She flexed her left hand, the light purple gem on her finger catching the sunlight as she moved. I’d known the moment she realized it was the ring. The one she’d dreamed up years ago. I knew the universe was made of cold, cruel irony but finally giving her the ring she’d always wanted and getting lashed with silence drove the point home harder than necessary.
My chest tightened, that unrelenting band that made me worry about heart attacks and living wills back in place. ‘Handle it however the hell you want,’ I snapped. ‘I’m just telling you what’s going to happen in there.’
‘Thanks so much,’ she bit back.
‘Anytime,’ I yelled.
‘Have you considered that we’re doing all of this because you won’t have an honest conversation with your mother?’
I leveled a stare in her direction. ‘I guess you’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?’
She returned the stare, a wall of ice behind those hazel eyes. ‘It’s good that you got my punishment out of the way for today. It would’ve been so uncomfortable to do it in front of Janet.’
‘Just trying to be efficient,’ I replied.
I pulled in front of my mother’s house and shoved both hands through my hair. I didn’t see how we were going to make this work. Not with last night still a raw, open wound between us and our story held together by threads. I’d be stunned if we lasted thirty minutes without throttling each other.
‘Give me a minute,’ she said, pulling a small zip-up bag from inside her tote. ‘I’d rather not start this off looking like roadkill.’
‘You don’t look like roadkill.’ I kept my gaze on my phone as I said this. I didn’t want to watch while she fussed with her hair and dabbed makeup on her face. I didn’t want to know her small, private moments. I couldn’t. ‘She just wants to see you. She won’t care how you look.’
‘I care,’ Audrey replied as she swiped a rosy-colored wand over her lips.
Okay, yes, I watched.
It was fucking ridiculous how something as irrelevant as lip color could hollow me out. One minute she was pressing her lips together and inspecting her work in the mirror, the next she was the only thing in the world worth seeing. Everything about her just made me want to lean closer.
The part that really killed me was that she didn’t need me. She said she’d needed me back then, when it all fell apart, but not anymore. It was masochism at its finest but I wanted to know when that’d changed. What was the series of events that led her to surgically remove me from her life and just…move on without ever looking back? Maybe she could teach me how to do it because I still hadn’t figured it out.
‘Well.’ She snapped one of her products shut. ‘I’m still roadkill but now it’s more like recent roadkill. Fresh. Not much of an improvement but it’s something.’
‘Shut up, you’re beautiful.’ The words were out before I could claw them back inside my head. Because being a jackass came naturally to me, I added, ‘And you don’t need me telling you that because you know it.’
She layered both hands over her chest and dropped a wistful sigh. ‘You really know how to make me feel special.’
All I could see was my ring on her finger. Right where it belonged. I hated that I thought it and I hated that it was true.
‘Let’s go.’ I grabbed the keys and my phone, and didn’t dare another glance at my fiancée as I climbed out of the car.
The front door flew open as we approached and Marguerite appeared, her tattooed arms out wide, bright orange glasses sliding down her nose, and a t-shirt with Free Societies Read Freely stretched over her chest. ‘We were beginning to think you weren’t coming,’ she cried, fumbling us into an embrace. ‘You woulda been better off on pack mules at the rate it took y’all.’
‘I was looking into it,’ I said, patting my mother’s partner in crime on the back. ‘Marguerite, this is Audrey.’
‘We’re family now so you’ll call me Rita like the rest of the girls do.’ She clasped Audrey’s hands and leaned back, looking my fiancée over. ‘Aren’t you just a doll?’ She let out an ear-piercing shriek. ‘I bet you keep this boy up on his toes. It’s a good thing because he needs a firm hand.’
Rita patted my cheek with a little more pep than necessary but it earned me a real smile from Audrey, one without a shred of those good girl manners. Worth it.
‘It’s wonderful to finally meet you,’ Audrey said, gathering Rita into a hug. ‘I’ve heard so much about you.’
Lies. Pure lies. But she was damn good at it—and that was a little scary.
Rita stepped back and shooed us toward the door, saying, ‘Let’s get you inside. Your ma will be back from work soon enough and she’s gonna flip that I got to see you first. Come on, get in there. I just mixed up some iced tea and I have some double chocolate brownie energy balls in the fridge. Do you like dates, Audrey?’
‘I love dates,’ she replied.
‘Good, good. My balls are full of dates,’ Rita said.
I stifled a laugh that I knew neither of them would’ve appreciated.
‘Then I might need to steal that recipe from you,’ Audrey replied.
‘Oh, I have a whole bunch of them,’ she said. ‘Lemme get my phone, I’ll show you.’
I watched while Audrey and Rita settled on the patio with iced tea and energy balls, slipping into an immediate familiarity over dates, of all things. Audrey could do that. She knew how to give people exactly what they wanted from her in any situation. It was how I’d known she’d be able to do this with me.
For me.
I also hated it when she did this. It was like she had a closet full of hermetically sealed personalities and could pull out a new one at any moment. But it meant suffocating herself and I didn’t need an accounting of the past decade of her life to know she’d spent enough time suffocating.
As I lingered inside, I was painfully aware of the distance between us. I’d kept my hands to myself, a conscious effort when every instinct screamed at me to close the gap. But then I’d catch her eye and see that mask of polite composure, and remember that this wasn’t real and my instincts could get fucked.
But I’d have to touch her again. Eventually. It would be strange if I didn’t, right? They’d notice. My mother wasn’t one to demand public affection but she’d pick up on something if I stayed five feet away from Audrey with my arms crossed for the next few days.
What a fine mess I’d made for myself.
I edged closer to the patio when I saw Audrey point to Rita’s tattoo sleeves. I didn’t hear the question but Rita tossed her head back with a bellow of a laugh.
‘Back when the world was new and I was young, I taught high school art and sculpture,’ she told Audrey, motioning to the crook of her arm and then a spot just under the neck of her shirt. All of it covered in colorful ink. ‘But after beating breast cancer twice, I decided to keep the art and ditch the schools. Now, I bop around to tattoo studios around the country doing specialized ink work on scars.’
‘That’s incredible,’ Audrey said. ‘I love that so much.’
Rita leaned back in her chair, clasped her hands over her belly with a satisfied nod. ‘It’s a good time.’
‘I did one year in second grade and that was plenty, and then I moved to a fourth and fifth grade loop,’ Audrey said.
‘And it hasn’t stolen your will to live yet?’ Rita asked.
She took a long sip of tea as if she needed to think it over. ‘Not every day.’
Rita waved her off. ‘Give it time.’
Audrey laughed and steered the conversation toward Rita’s newest tattoos but I wanted to stop and go back to the last part. I wanted to ask what she meant by not every day and find out if her work made her happy or if it was just another personality she put on. Ask—again—why she didn’t teach dance. Even on the weekends, just because she loved it.
That’d been the plan. She’d study comparative literature and dance at Barnard, and when she finished school, she’d teach English and some dance classes in her spare time. The idea was that she’d be able to find work anywhere since I hadn’t known where I’d land for grad school.
But I knew best of all that plans changed.
