Sophie and Adam found the social work department and the
door with Jody Carter’s name on it. They knocked and were
greeted by a smiling thirtysomething woman.
“Hi, I’m Jody. And you must be the Youngs.” Dressed in
designer jeans and a casual silk button-down blouse, she invited
them in. Sophie and Adam sat next to each other on the couch,
while Jody pulled a chair from behind her desk and sat.
“How are things going?” Jody adjusted the clip that held her
long dark hair swept up on top of her head. “I heard that Danny
is doing better now after a little setback.”
They both started to talk at once, then stopped with a ner
vous laugh.
“You go first,” Adam said to Sophie.
Sophie looked at Jody. “Yes, Danny is doing better, thanks.
But it’s actually us that we want to talk about.”
“Okay,” answered Jody.
“I guess I’ll dive right in. I’m stressed, I feel guilty, I’m worried
about the future, and I wish this had never happened,” Sophie
blurted out. “Some days I feel so lost and depressed I don’t know
what I’m doing. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act, what I’m
supposed to say to people, how I’m supposed to fill my time when
all I can think about is Danny.”
Jody pulled a tissue out of the box sitting on her desk and
handed it to Sophie. “These are totally normal feelings, Sophie.
Believe me, you’re not alone in this.”
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“Adam and I desperately wanted a family. We worked so hard
to get pregnant. But this? This is the last thing we expected. This
was so far off our radar of all the things we planned for.”
Silence. Then Jody asked, “Adam? How about you?”
“I’m stressed but not quite the same way as Sophie. All I can
think about are the bills, which have already started to come
in. How are we possibly going to pay for this? I have no idea
how much my teacher’s insurance will cover. Statements show
up that claim ‘this is not a bill’ but show the numbers of what
the bill will be. Our dining room table is cluttered with state
ments that come in five different languages.” Adam held his
head in his hands. “I just don’t see how we’re going to be able
to pay for all this.” He paused. “And once he comes home, what
other expenses will we have as he gets older? What if he has
brain damage, or is blind, or any other horrible thing that can go
wrong?” He looked at Jody.
“Hold on there,” said Jody. “You are worrying about things
that you have no idea will happen. Go easy on yourself. Try not
to conjure up the worst-case scenarios.”
He sighed heavily. “You’re right, but sometimes my imagina
tion gets the best of me, especially in the middle of the night.”
“I can help you with navigating the insurance and costs of
Danny’s hospitalization. There are resources available to help
families like yours. It’s not perfect, but there is help for you. Nei
ther of you should feel like you’re going this road alone.”
Adam nodded in appreciation. “Another reason we wanted
to come see you is to talk about an issue that came up recently.”
He looked at Sophie, who nodded. “A little while ago, I stopped
and had a few beers at Evening Rounds. It happened to be during
that time that Danny took a turn for the worse and needed to go
back on the ventilator. Sophie was pissed, to say the least.”
Sophie explained, “We’d had an agreement that while I was
pregnant, I wouldn’t drink, and neither would he. And he broke
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it. He changed the rules of our agreement without telling me.”
Jody crossed her legs, waiting for Sophie to go on.
“My father was a drunk. When he was sober, he was a great
father, but when he was drunk, he was a mean son of a bitch.
Adam knows that. We both enjoy a couple of beers together, no
big deal. But that other night coming into the hospital so buzzed?
That was not okay. I guess it’s because things are different now.
We’re parents.”
“You’re right, Soph. I get it and I’m sorry.” He looked at
Sophie. “It won’t happen again. I promise. And I can also prom
ise I’m not going to turn into your father.”
Sophie nodded and pulled Adam’s hand into hers.
“What else? Adam, you look like you have more you want to
say,” Jody said.
“I’ve got so many things going through my head,” Adam said,
leaning forward with one elbow on his knees, his other hand still
in Sophie’s. “I love Danny so much, more than I ever thought
possible. But sometimes when I look at how small and fragile he
is, I feel sad . . . and a little disappointed.”
Adam took a deep breath, then continued. “He’s not the
robust baby boy I was expecting. Then I get mad at myself for
thinking that way, but I can’t help it. I’m sorry, Soph. I had
dreamed of a son who would be like me—tall, athletic, great on
the basketball court. But, instead, he’s going to be small, probably
asthmatic, and need glasses.”
“Adam, he can’t help it!” Sophie said. “It’s not his fault he’s
like this. If anything, it’s my fault.” Sophie took her hand back
from Adam and clasped both her hands in her lap.
“Hey, babe, I’m not blaming anyone, least of all you. Of
course he can’t help the way he is. It’s just that it’s hard for me to
watch.” He looked at Jody and added, “Then on top of it all, I’m
worried about Sophie. I know this is taking a toll on her.”
Jody looked to Sophie.
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Sophie nodded and said, “I get sad sometimes too. I worry a
lot of the time, but most of all I’m scared.”
“Scared?”
“Yeah. Of something bad happening to Danny. I have night
mares of someone giving him the wrong medication or doing
something to him that was meant for another baby, and he dies. I
don’t know, I’m just afraid of something going wrong. That’s why
I won’t leave the NICU. I’m there all the time. I pretty much
live there.”
“Do you want to talk more about that?”
“No, it’s okay. I have people who I can talk to—my sister and
my NICU friend Rihanna.”
“Do you have many friends outside of the hospital?”
“I have some girlfriends from work, but they wouldn’t under
stand. A couple of them have babies, but what would we talk
about? Our experiences as new moms are so different.” Sophie
stared at the floor again, fiddling with her wedding band. “It’s
okay. I’m fine.”
“Sophie, going back to what you said earlier,” Jody said, “why
do you feel this is all your fault? You said something about feeling
guilty. Most mothers do, but is there any particular reason you
feel guilty?”
She took a deep breath. “Because, back in college, I had an
abortion after . . . never mind that. I had an abortion, and later,
my ob-gyn told me that it may cause a problem if I ever decided
I wanted to get pregnant.” She blew out the breath she’d been
holding in. “I am so embarrassed about it.”
Adam moved closer to Sophie and put his arm around her.
“Sophie, you can’t keep blaming yourself. None of this is your
fault. We both agreed to put those parts of our pasts behind us.”
He pulled her to him.
“I know. My abortion was behind me. That whole date thing,
I thought I was over it. Until now.” She wiped a tear away.
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Silence followed, each person lost in thought.
Then Jody asked, “What else?”
Sophie said softly, “I wish there was a magic pill that I could
take, one that would take us back two months so I could erase
ever walking into Metro triage, skip this whole horrible episode
of our lives, and fast-forward to delivering Danny on my due
date.”
“I know, babe, me too,” said Adam.
They talked a few more minutes about Adam’s job, Sophie’s
plans to return to work—or not—and about her sister, Kate.
Jody wrapped the meeting up. “If there’s nothing more, we’ll
end now. But if you ever want to talk again, don’t hesitate to call.
Having a baby in the NICU is traumatic. Some marriages don’t
survive such an ordeal, but I think you guys will do well. You
both seem committed to each other and to Danny. I’d like to help
you in any way I can, so please call me if you need me. Oh, and
Adam, let’s plan to meet to go over your financials sometime in
the next couple of weeks.”
Sophie and Adam said their thank-yous and left the office
