Chapter 12
Rowan
stare at Collin.
Collin stares back at me. Then spins to the girl. “I told you to lock
the door.”
The girl shrugs, the golden brown locks of her hair fanning out on the
pillow. “She should have knocked.”
I step back, the scones dropping from my hand. “That’s the first thing
that comes to mind to say?” I say to Collin. “That you’d told her to lock the
door?”
An absurd voice in the back of mind notes that this is the second time
I’ve walked in on fucking cadets in as many hours. Either I’m having the
worst luck ever, or there is a great deal more fucking going on around here
than I’ve realized.
“Ro.” Collin runs his hands through his hair. “What are you even doing
here now?”
“Nothing.” I shake my head. “I’m not doing anything here. But you are.
Clearly.”
“It’s not what you think.”
“I think you are fucking her.” I point to each of them as I say it, my
voice strangely calm. “Am I wrong?”
“I’d say you hit that one square in the target.” The girl on the bed climbs
off and starts pulling on her tunic and pants. She seems the calmest of all of
us. “I was unaware you came with strings, Chambers.”
“I don’t come with strings,” Collin snaps. His cheeks are flushed. The
tops of his ears too. He looks like a trapped animal, shifting between the
girl and me.
“No, you don’t,” I agree quietly. “You don’t come with strings. Any
strings. You are a free agent now.”
The girl whistles.
Collin shoots her a dirty look before swinging his face back to me. His
hair is mussed and a strange part of me almost reaches out to brush it on
instinct. “Ro, calm down for a moment. We aren’t breaking our
engagement. You’re just reacting without thinking. You’re better than this.
Once you calm down, you’ll realize you’re blowing things out of
proportion.”
“Or maybe not blowing enough?” the girl waggles her brows as she
pulls on her pants.
“You and I were never engaged,” I tell Collin.
“As good as.” The flush on his face deepens, his eyes flashing with
anger. “Oh for gods’ sake. You, I, and even the commandant of the Spire all
know you’re marrying me. You’ve taken two years of my love, so don’t act
like you’re suddenly too good for it.”
“I’m done.” I enunciate each word as I back to the door. “We are done.
Good luck with everything, Collin.”
I hurry away to my room to change for formation and ride a wave of
numbness through the rest of the day. I know the hurt and betrayal and tears
are somewhere inside me, laying in wait to spring at the worst possible
moment, but for now all I feel is a wall of nothing. As if I’d heard the sound
of a slap, but am yet to feel the sting. I’m not eager to feel it anytime soon.
I skip dinner to avoid the stares and Ellie’s inevitable questions. By the
time I fall into bed, I’m exhausted from the sheer effort of not thinking. I
eagerly reach to grip the oblivion of sleep, but even that’s not safe. In that
moment, right before unconsciousness, when the world starts swaying and
images enter unbidden into the mind, I know it won’t be a good night. And
it isn’t.
My dreams are fitful and haunted, a restless sea of fragmented images
and morphed memories. I’m running through a night forest, the trees
looming over me like twisted sentinels. The air is thick and heavy, pressing
down on my lungs as I gasp for breath. Ahead of me, I catch a glimpse of
movement, a flash of gray fur darting between the shadows.
I know how this dream ends now, and I scream at myself to stop. But in
my dream, a low pained howl sounds and my dream self can’t help rushing
toward it. Because six years ago, I had.
I burst into a small clearing and freeze. There, in the center, lies a wolf,
its fur is matted with blood. It needs help and there is healing in my
budding magic. Not a lot, but some. And I can offer it.
I take a hesitant step forward, my hand outstretched. The wolf’s head
snaps up, its eyes locking with mine. They blaze with a feral intensity, a
mix of agony and rage. A low growl rumbles in its throat, its lips curling
back to reveal gleaming fangs.
Then it lunges at my face.
I jerk awake, my chest heaving in sweat soaked sheets. My breaths
come in short gasps, still trying to outrun the claws of the nightmare. I rub
my cheek and its ragged scar.
A dream. This was a dream. A bad memory my subconscious has
twisted into a recurring theater. But that’s not real now. I’m safe.
Kicking the tangled sheets away, I swing my legs over the edge of the
bed, my feet touching the cold stone. As I reach for the water canteen on the
bedside table, my attention snags on a movement in the dark corner of the
room. I turn to reassure myself that it’s nothing but a play of shadows.
A pair of glowing golden eyes blinks at me from a wolf-shaped
silhouette.
I scream.
The door bangs open and Kyrian rushes inside, sword drawn. “What’s
happened?” he demands, surveying the room while I slowly recall that
Kai’s stationed him on guard duty outside my room.
Light from the corridor spills into my chamber, and it’s not as dark now
as it was when I first opened my eyes to see a pair of golden ones. The wolf
they belonged to is gone now. If it ever existed outside my imagination to
begin with. Which, it obviously didn’t.
Heat rushes to my face. “I…” Fuck it. I don’t even have the wherewithal
to lie right now. “I thought I saw a wolf,” I confess. “But obviously…”
Kyrian does a full sweep of the room anyway. It’s a little bigger than a
broom closet so it takes him all of three seconds. Which is actually a long
time when one is stewing in humiliation.
“I’m so sorry,” I cover my face with my hands. “I must have dreamt it. I
mean, I’d obviously dreamt it.”
“Still better safe than sorry,” Kyrian says with more kindness than I
deserve and lights a lantern for me. “If a wolf-shifter made it into here, we
would have a problem.”
“You mean if a fae got past the wards, eluded the border patrols, crossed
all the way inland to Doverly, out-maneuvered the elite defenses of Spire
East Command, and then infiltrated the barracks undetected… only to stand
in the corner of my room and watch me sleep? We are better safe than sorry
in case that scenario is playing itself out?”
Kyrian winces. “Right. Just in case of that.”
His kindness somehow makes everything even worse.
“Do you have nightmares often?” he asks. “I mean if I’m going to be
standing outside your door for the next two weeks, it helps to be prepared.
Lest I order the barracks cleared first and ask questions later.”
“No.” I lie. At least I can manage enough self-control for that now. I’m
also suddenly very aware that I’m dressed in nothing but a sweat soaked
nightshirt that clings to my body, while Kyrian towers above me in full
uniform. It makes me feel even smaller than I am. “I’m sorry for the
bother.”
Kyrian studies me for a moment and I think he is about to say
something, but then he just sheaths his sword down his back in a practiced
motion. I wonder if I’ll ever make anything look so effortless. “I’ll leave the
door open a crack for the rest of the night.”
Since arguing will only bring more attention, I thank him graciously
instead and ensure sleep doesn’t claim me again. The last thing I need is for
Kyrian to hear me whimpering in a dream. Or worse, crying. So I don’t do
that either. Mostly, I just spend the night concentrating on not thinking
about wolves or Collin. Or Logan. It’s something of a feat.
The following morning I drag myself out to morning formation. The
commandant updates us on the latest skirmishes with the Flurry fae and
another reported sighting of a riot of draken riders. Our wards dampen
much of the fae’s magic, but they don’t stop them from crossing.
The fae have been marauding through the countryside the past two
months, burning and leveling everything in their path. They’re going after
civilians and destroying livelihoods just because they can is what angers me
the most. I long to disappear into my workshop and lose myself in my
magic. I may be shit at firing a bow myself, but at least I can arm the
archers with the weapons that give us a fighting chance.
The commandant yields the dais to Kai, who reminds everyone that we
move out to the first field exercise in less than two weeks. He goes on to
instruct squad leaders to do whatever is needed to ensure all the cadets
under them have their shit in order. Kyrian snorts, as if Kai said something
funny.
Finally, we are dismissed to morning physical training.
“Ro.” Collin steps in front of me before I can escape the parade
grounds. He looks disheveled, with large circles under his eyes. At least I
wasn’t the only one who slept like shit last night.
“I don’t want to leave everything the way we did…” He gives me a
sheepish look that makes his cheeks dimple and pulls something out of his
back pocket. He holds it out to me. It’s a bracelet made out of knotted cord.
“Remember when we were first learning knots and you wanted to make
pretty things with them, and I kept teasing you for being silly? Well, that’s
all I could think about last night. I got this urge to make this for you.”
I look at the bracelet in his hand but don’t take it, though it’s one of the
nicest things anyone’s done for me. Collin isn’t wrong. We go back a long
way together. All the way back to when I spent more time weaving
friendship bracelets than making alloy for weapons.
Collin runs his fingers through his hair. “I never wanted to hurt you. I
love you, Rowan. You know that. But sometimes, you make me feel like I’m
not enough. That girl? She is nothing. A quick fuck. You’re the one who
matters. The only one who makes me complete.”
“She was just a fuck? Is that supposed to make it alright?”
Collin’s jaw tightens, the bracelet crushed in his hand. “I spent half the
night making this stupid thing for you, and you won’t even take it? Really?”
“Really.”
“That’s just childish, Ro.” He reaches over and tucks the bracelet into
my pocket. “Look, what happened yesterday, it’s an us problem. So can we
be adults for a moment and listen to each other? Maybe, gods’ forbid, have
a reasonable discussion?”
A part of me wants to say yes, but fortunately it’s only a small part. This
man talked about marriage in the same hour he took another woman to his
bed. I can still see the combat cadet, laying back lazily against the
headboard. She seemed not at all surprised at my appearance. In fact… A
new wave of nausea grips my belly. “How many?” I ask. “How many
women, Collin? How many times?”
“Calm down and check your voice,” Collin snaps back at me. “You are
making a scene. If you took a moment to think, you’d realize how absurd
you’re being.” He waves his hand toward the hundred cadets moving about,
his voice low. “Everyone here fools around. There is nothing else to do. You
are the one never in the mood. Did you ever think about how that might
affect me? Frankly, I’ve bent over backwards to be discreet and protect your
feelings, but you’re making a public spectacle now. It’s not a good look.”
“You are right. There is no need for a scene.” I turn to leave.
Collin grabs my arm, just above the elbow. “We aren’t done talking
about this.”
“Oh, yes, yes we are. We are done talking, fucking, everything.”
Instead of loosening, Collin’s grip tightens like a vice, his fingers
digging into my skin hard enough to bruise. “You do not walk away from
me, Ro. Not after I’ve spent two years catering to your whims, and holding
you up when anyone in my place would have thrown up his hands. How
many times have I healed you? Covered for you? I’m the only reason you
are still in the Spire, and you know it. You’ve been happy to take everything
I have to give all this time, so don’t try to make yourself out into a victim
now.”
“You are hurting me. Let go.”
He yanks me toward him and I smell his sweat. “You wouldn’t last a
moment in this place alone.”
“I’ll take that chance. Now let me the fuck go.” I shout loud enough that
heads all over the courtyard turn toward us. The color of Collin’s face rises
to a molten shade of red that makes patches over his chin and cheeks.
“Stop it. You’re humiliating yourself, and dragging me down with you.”
I shove Collin’s chest.
His eyes flash and fear shoots through me in belated warning. But it’s
too late. Collin’s free hand shoots up, the knuckles swinging toward my
face too quickly for me to dodge. I brace for the sound. The pain.
But the only sound is that of one bone slamming against another, as a
corded forearm blocks Collin’s attack. A sudden silence settles over the
parade grounds and Collin’s eyes widen. Then I inhale a familiar woodsy
scent wrapping around me. Logan?
“I think there has been a misunderstanding.” Logan says with a calm
that can ice over death. “Rowan Lexington belongs to the triad.”
I turn my head to realize that in addition to Logan, Kyrian and Kai have
come up as well. Collin turns to the latter.
“She assaulted me, sir.” Collin’s voice hardens along with his spine.
“Shoved me in the middle of the courtyard. I want to bring her up on
charges for striking a superior officer.”
“Not sure what orifice he pulled that story from, but it was dark, deep
and full of stench,” Kyrian says.
“Is the snapping and screaming coming soon?” Kai asks Logan,
casually motioning to where Logan now grips Collin’s wrist. “I’d like to get
on with the morning.”
“I figured that treat belongs to Rowan. Give me a few months with her,
and you can listen to this idiot screaming over snapped bones all you’d
like.” He releases Collin’s arm as if dropping a piece of garbage and steps
back toward his friends.
Kai’s attention shifts to me. Though he stands several paces away, he
manages to take up all the space in the world with a single lift of his brow.
“What do you say to that, alchemist?” he asks just as a gust of wind blows
through the parade grounds, flattening the grass beneath our feet. It’s just
grass, but it looks like a line. A decision.
I step back, crossing it. Moving away from the man who, until
yesterday, I thought I’d marry and toward the warriors I know nothing
about. Kyrian and Logan step forward, taking up position on either side of
me. And suddenly I am not alone.
I am a rabbit taking shelter amongst wolves.
