Chapter 13
Idar
It’s strange, because I understood that Nadiya agreed to this marriage for a reason.
She herself admitted to me earlier that she had a motive. And judging by what she said, it was quite a compelling motive.
Why then do I feel morally crushed?
What words did I expect to hear? That she wants an expensive car? Or her own business?
This marriage is her only option. And I understand that as soon as she gets help from me, she’ll most likely leave.
There’s a jumble of thoughts in my head.
Idar, but you didn’t come into this marriage because it was time to start a family. You, too, have selfish motives.
I spend the evening in my office, sorting through the documents that have accumulated over the week of my absence.
However, thoughts keep turning to Nadiya.
I can’t understand her. And yes, the motives for this marriage are clear, but she herself, as a girl, as a woman, is a closed book to me.
What do I know about her?
No, that’s the wrong question. Did I even want to know anything about her?
I don’t see or hear Nadiya. It seems she went to her room and hasn’t left her bedroom since.
I put the documents aside and search for “hip replacement.” I read. I don’t understand a damn thing. But I suppose that’s because every situation, like every body, is unique.
Late in the evening my phone rings.
– Hi, Mom.
“Idar,” Mom sighs heavily, “how are you?”
“I’m fine. Mom, I think it’s time you talked to Nadiya. I understand your reluctance, but… we all need to somehow live together.”
– I don’t know how to overcome this.
I lean back in my chair and close my eyes.
“I don’t understand why you dislike Nadiya so much. What’s so special about her? Her family used to live in our city, Muslims. What’s wrong, Mom?”
“You see, I just wanted your life to turn out differently. You should have met the bride beforehand, taken a closer look. We haven’t even seen her! What if this Nadiya turned out to be terribly ugly, stupid?”
“She’s not like that, Mom. So we have to do something about all this.”
– I’ll try, Idar. I’ll try for you.
For some reason, I want to protect Nadiya. To prove to my mother that she’s… a normal wife, even if she’s forced upon me.
“Idar, I need to return to the republic, and I have no one to leave Leila with.”
– I’ll pick her up tomorrow.
Leila is the daughter of my older brother, who went off to serve in the military. Leila has no mother…
— Do you think your Nadiya won’t mind Leila living in your house with you?
“Mom, you have a biased opinion of her,” she says rather sharply, and Mom is at a loss. “You two need to meet.”
– I won’t be able to… accept her.
“You don’t have to accept her. Just be polite to her, that’s all.”
“Idar, is it just me, or has something changed between you?” she asks warily.
Nothing has changed between us, but there’s a premonition of something new. It’s palpable in my fingertips, like electricity.
– Don’t even think about falling in love with her, Idar.
I won’t fall in love, but the ban itself raises questions.
– That’s it, Mom, I have to go. I’ll come pick up Leila tomorrow.
When I pass Nadia’s room, I see a strip of light under the door. That means she’s not sleeping.
I freeze near her door.
And why, Idar? Do you want to come in and say goodnight to her?
Don’t be fooled, no feelings are possible between you, your mother is worrying in vain.
As you name a ship, so it will sail.
Our ship originally had only one name: “Calculation.” And so we’ll sail on.
— I kissed another woman.
My heart didn’t stop, it just jerked as if it was taking the last step into the abyss.
“It’s vulgar, Musayev,” I say, lost. “Which is odd, because you’ve never been vulgar.”
— At least it’s honest. We were just kissing, she means nothing to me!
– What do you want from me?
– Forgiveness. Because I love you.
I love him too. That’s why I forgave him and left, filing for divorce.
But he couldn’t let me go.
