Factories, roads, railway lines, people’s homes. And 300 civilians. They all
vanished in a single night in London: the night Maddie lost her best friend.
The final goodbye to Molly Peters had been sad and brutal, and surreal.
One mass funeral with hundreds of coffins laid side by side, in hastily dug
trenches. It didn’t seem right that her friend had been turned into a name on
a clipboard, rather than the funny, generous, life-loving person that she had
been. And how could Maddie be sure that Molly and her family were even
in some of those coffins?
She thought about her own family. Her father in the Home Guard. Her
brother Richard, still living at home and juggling figures at the Ministry of
Supply. Her mother holding fundraisers. And guilt crept in. It could have
been them lying in these trenches. She should get in touch. She would send
them a letter. She’d done it before, of course, but maybe this time someone
would reply.
Several of the ATS girls had gone to the strange funeral as well.
Afterwards, they all headed over to the White Lion pub in Hackney to raise
a glass to their lost friend.
‘The Irish have the right idea,’ said Maddie. ‘Celebrating. Maybe it’s
better than mourning.’
Most of them agreed that the Irish definitely had a handle on things,
especially wakes.
But Maddie didn’t feel a lot like celebrating, and she left them to it after
only one drink. She needed to get back home. Needed to do some serious
thinking. The sherry had made her queasy.
Most things made her feel sick nowadays, especially in the mornings.
She had finally faced her fears and whispered the words aloud. Words
that made her terrified. ‘You are pregnant. You are unmarried. You will
probably be thrown out of the army. But you cannot get rid of this baby. It is
alive in you. It is your flesh. Your blood. More importantly, it is his flesh
and blood. His baby too. You must let this baby live.’
Back in her billet, Maddie flung herself down on her bunk and cried.
Vicious, angry tears. Tears for her missing friend. Tears for herself. And
tears for this poor baby inside her. A child who would have to face the
stigma of being a bastard. Born to an unmarried mother.
The tears were cathartic and, in a strange irony, made her feel much
more positive. Self-pity was useless, a waste of time. She would have this
baby and, when it was born, she would keep it, no matter how much anyone
tried to convince her to give it away, or put it up for adoption. She was
strong. She could do this. She would be doing it for both of them, for her
and Rudi. And if it was a boy, she would call him ‘Gunter’ after Rudi’s
father. He would like that.
One thing Maddie knew for sure was that she would never go to her family
for help.
She’d written her mother a letter, but it was her brother who’d replied.
Maddie’s offer to visit on her next leave had been politely, but firmly,
declined. Mother was busy, he’d said. Unable to take on visitors at this
time. A visitor? Is that truly all she was? Her brother had softened the blow,
wished her luck, said he hoped her career was going well.
Other than that, nothing was truly sure. She’d gone to see her
commanding officer, a woman Maddie had looked up to, the same officer
who had picked her for the assignment at the War Office. She’d been given
the special duty because she knew how to conduct herself properly, her CO
had said. Would the officer still feel that way when she sorted Maddie’s
discharge papers?
It hadn’t been an easy meeting, had taken courage. Still, she’d done it.
Had stood to attention in front of Chief Commander Helen Worthing’s desk,
respectfully, but with her head held high, uniform immaculate, regulation
shine on her buttons and belt buckle. Spit and polish on her brown leather
parade shoes.
Then, in a voice that seemed nothing like her own, she had told her
superior officer about her present condition and waited in silence for the
angry tirade that would follow the announcement of her pregnancy. But
there had been no ranting, no outrage. That might have been better than the
look of disappointment on the officer’s face, the implication that Maddie
had let her down, had squandered the trust the army placed in her.
‘You had potential, could have been an officer. Did you not see that?’
the CO had asked her mournfully. Then there’d been the issue of the father.
Who was he? Was he likely to marry her? Those were questions that
Maddie stubbornly refused to answer.
Even so, the officer had remained calm, had ordered Maddie to return to
her billet immediately, and to consider herself on temporary suspension
from normal duties. Those duties would be taken over by someone else. She
was to speak to no one about this and was confined to barracks.
The words shook her, although she’d been expecting them. She’d even
managed to hold on to the tears that welled up and had banged out a crisp,
regulation salute.
And now she existed in a kind of half-world. Neither a civilian nor a
member of the ATS. Coming out of her bedroom only for food, spending
her time mending, waiting for her discharge. The army would now discard
her as if she no longer had a value.
She’d waited for two days already to hear back from her CO with the
bad news that she would be dismissed from the service, that she would be
required to leave her billet. Find somewhere else to live.
And where will I go then? Where will my baby be born? Our baby, she
reminded herself. One of those awful homes for unwed mothers, she
supposed, where they treated you like a criminal. A place run by nuns who
constantly reminded you of your sin, and the shame you had brought on
yourself and your family. Well, she refused to feel shame. And how could
something so wonderful possibly be a sin? She didn’t believe it. The more
she thought about this tiny seed growing inside her, becoming a small
person, the more excited Maddie became.
Of course it wouldn’t be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever was. It was then
she thought of Molly Peters – Molly, who had been about to start a whole
new chapter of her life when that life had been randomly and cruelly stolen
from her. It wasn’t fair. How she wished her friend could be there to talk to,
to share this miracle with. Her friend had been fearless, and now Maddie
would need to follow her example.
The next day she was called to Chief Commander Worthing’s office.
Helen Worthing had been harried by so many problems lately that she
hadn’t left the office in days, just grabbed a few hours’ sleep on a camp bed
in the corner. Those around her, her adjutant for one, as well as a sergeant
known for her shrewdness and common sense, had grown increasingly
worried about the CO. About the dark smudges that had arrived under her
eyes and the way she’d begun snapping at anyone who walked through the
door.
Chief Commander Worthing seemed disturbed. And now, as she waited
for Private Madeline Brady to arrive, she did something that her office staff
found strange: she dismissed all three clerks and her sergeant from the outer
office. Told them they wouldn’t be needed until after lunch.
She wanted no one to be aware of her meeting with Maddie. And no
record to be kept. She’d been in the army long enough to know that if you
went out on a limb, there was always someone eager to saw it off.
Maddie was surprised to find the commanding officer on her own. It
unnerved her. But then maybe the CO was being thoughtful, was about to
give her a bawling out and was sparing her the embarrassment of others
eavesdropping. That didn’t sound much like the army, though. The ATS had
no room for sentiment, or weakness, or giddy women going feeble at the
first sign of trouble. You were expected to be as tough as the men – even
though you didn’t earn as much as them.
‘Sit down, Private,’ said Helen Worthing.
The order threw Maddie. She hadn’t expected to sit. They usually made
you stand to attention for a dressing-down. She didn’t move.
‘Sit. Sit!’ ordered the CO and pointed to the only other chair in the
small space.
‘Yes, ma’am.’ Maddie stared vacantly at the crown and pip on the
officer’s shoulder, insignia that marked her out as a chief commander. She
remembered to sit.
‘Have you any idea how many ATS units I have under my command?’
‘No, ma’am,’ said Maddie. How was she supposed to know that?’ she
wondered. She’d never even thought about it.
Maddie was confused now – about where this interview was going,
what she was expected to say.
‘No, of course not,’ said the officer, wearily. ‘Why would you?’ A
heavy sigh left her lips and she took off her uniform cap, placed it carefully
on the desk in front of her. Pulled a hand through her thick, wavy brown
hair.
The move made Maddie even more confused, and she stared at the cap,
fascinated, as a snake’s prey might before being struck. Why on earth had
the CO done that? It seemed like a deliberate action. A way to bring the
interview down to a more intimate level, less formal. As if the officer were
somehow setting aside the stiff military rules and protocol. Still, maybe she
was reading too much into something simple – she sometimes did that.
‘Twelve ATS units. That’s 22,000 personnel,’ said Helen Worthing.
‘Scattered all over the place. One of the largest in the country. Enough to
keep me busy, wouldn’t you agree, Private Brady?’
‘Yes, ma’am,’ said Maddie, carefully picking her words. ‘I would agree.
A very large responsibility,’ she added. Not sure where it was leading, what
she was supposed to say. Or even if it was one of those rhetorical questions
that people didn’t expect an answer to.
‘Yes, indeed,’ said the older woman. ‘Enough problems to last a while,
don’t you think? So why then, Maddie, would you hand me one more? I
thought you were different from the others; serious, thoughtful. A girl who
could keep her mind on the job. Someone I could rely on. You have gravely
disappointed me.’
Maddie dropped her head to her chest, stared intently at one of the
buttons on her uniform. A button she’d just polished with Brasso. She could
find no words to reply. Anything she said now would sound like an excuse,
and she had a feeling that this woman across the desk didn’t want that.
Wouldn’t accept it. And she’d called her Maddie. Why would her superior
do that?
‘Someone with leadership qualities, with potential. That’s what I
thought. And it grieves me to find you in your… present condition.’
‘Yes, ma’am,’ said Maddie. And this time she raised her head, looked
the officer in the face, saw that the older woman meant it. That she really
did seem sad.
‘Maddie, do you like being in the ATS? Is the army important to you?’
‘I love the service,’ said Maddie. ‘It’s my life.’
‘And you mean to go through with all this, I presume?’ Helen Worthing
waved her hand vaguely towards Maddie’s stomach. There was no evidence
yet of the baby cocooned inside.
‘Yes, ma’am. It isn’t this baby’s fault. And I won’t kill it,’ said Maddie.
‘Admirable,’ said Helen Worthing. ‘Admirable, but a little inconvenient
for you, eh?’ And for the first time, Chief Commander Worthing smiled.
‘But then I would expect no less of you, Private Brady. You strike me as a
woman of principle. And that’s why I intend to help you.’
‘What? I mean, I beg your pardon, ma’am?’
‘If you found yourself out of the army, where would you go to have this
baby? Would you go home?’
‘No. I wouldn’t go home. I’m not sure right now what I’d do, how I’d
manage it, where I’d have my baby. But no, I would do this on my own.’
‘Right. Here’s what I need you to do, Private. You are to return to your
billet immediately. You will clear out your belongings and you will head to
the address inside this envelope. You’ll also find a railway warrant in there.’
‘I don’t understand, ma’am.’
‘No, I don’t suppose you do. You should, of course, be picking up your
discharge papers, but let’s leave all talk of that for the future. Consider
yourself on long-term sick leave, Private. And please, do not discuss this
with anyone else in your billet. Just catch the train as soon as you can and
go to this place, where they will look after you and help you give birth.’
‘But…’
‘No buts. You said you had nowhere else to go. So, if you’re agreeable,
you may have your baby at this place in Cornwall. Is it agreeable, Private
Brady?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Maddie. Her brain was racing around in circles,
trying to understand.
‘You could always go home.’
‘No. I can never go home, not now.’ She paused. ‘This place in
Cornwall – is it run by nuns?’
‘No. No nuns. I’ve spoken to them on the phone, and I believe they
understand your situation. They seem like good people. You’ll go, then?’
What was the alternative? Maddie came to a decision. One she hoped
she wouldn’t regret.
‘I will,’ she said. ‘And thank you, ma’am.’
‘Let’s wait and see about that – if you’re still thanking me later,
Madeline.’ Helen Worthing smiled again and stood up from her desk; put
her uniform cap back on. A signal.
‘Ma’am?’
‘Yes, Private Brady?’
‘Am I still to wear my uniform – on the train and at this place in
Cornwall?’
‘Why not?’ said the CO. ‘You’re still in the army, aren’t you? Okay.
Dismissed, Private.’
‘Thank you, ma’am.’ Maddie produced a perfect salute, turned on her
heel and marched smartly from the room.
Still in the army. How had that happened? She was amazed, baffled.
Maddie walked through the outer office. Still no one in there, which was
odd, for the place was normally a hive of activity: at times orderly, at times
chaotic. But she’d never known it as quiet as this. Or as empty. Strange.
Confusing!
Maddie wasn’t the only one confused. Once the door closed, Helen
Worthing sat back down at her desk and wondered about what she had just
done. And why. That was the big question. It was one she’d asked herself
several times already. And the answer was glaringly obvious: it was
something very personal – and she was supposed to be above all that.
Supposed to treat all those under her command exactly the same. Pregnancy
was an automatic discharge, so why was she covering up for the girl? And
at the risk of her own career.
But she’d always had a soft spot for Madeline Brady: the girl was a
professional, had done a competent job and never complained, unlike some
of the others. And when she looked at Private Brady, she saw the spitting
image of her own daughter, or what her daughter would have looked like,
had she not died when she was fourteen.
It was a kind of healing realisation, to finally own up to it. But had she
actually helped Maddie, or made things more complicated for her? That
was the question. But whatever the outcome, life had to go on and Chief
Commander Worthing had a stack of papers in front of her that needed
immediate attention. Lots more problems that would keep her up at night.
Including that limb that she had just taken herself out onto. She wondered
who might find out about it. And try to cut it off
