Chapter 18
Logan
he rabbit is scared,” I say to Kyrian as everyone gathers at the main
courtyard, milling about in stress-filled chaos in preparation for
departure. Rowan is a few paces away from us, speaking with Ellie
and tucking the same stray copper lock behind her ear every few seconds.
It’s her tell, appearing whenever she needs an outlet for emotions.
Frustration in the sparring ring; discomfort whenever Chambers gets close;
adorable embarrassment when my touch, designed to drive Kai mad, rouses
her body despite her best intentions.
But today, she’s doing it because she’s afraid. And I don’t like it.
“They’re all scared,” Kyrian replies. “You can smell it.”
“I don’t much care about the rest of them.” Moving away from Kyrian, I
march over to Rowan and pull her back against my chest. I’m not
technically allowed to do it, since Rowan has only agreed to feign flirting
with me to poke at Kai, and he’s currently darting between patrol leaders.
But Rowan is scared, and I’m feeling protective. I want to give her
something solid to lean against even if our fearless leader is too busy to
notice our antics.
Waste of effort, Nyx, my draken, comments in my mind derisively. Why
is he bothering?
It’s a rhetorical question. I’m just as clueless as Nyx as to why Kai
bothered to create a solid plan or why he’s spoon-feeding it to the humans
now. Frankly, if everyone in the courtyard died or broke beneath whips and
questions, it would only be good for the fae.
But Kai has his own moral code, no matter how aloof he likes to seem,
and a responsibility streak that’s a mile deep. Which is why he truly
deserves Rowan. I know he wants her. We all do. But unlike me, Kai and
Kyrian would actually be good for her, too. So when Kai realizes his
mistake and grovels back into her good graces, I’ll step away. But until
then… Until then I’ll take whatever Rowan is willing to give. Even fake
affection.
Rowan doesn’t pull away and I release my breath, though my heart still
pounds against my ribs. I don’t remember ever feeling this way about a
woman. About anyone, really. I risk going one step further and put my chin
on the top of her head. Her hair smells fresh, like lavender soap, and she is
the perfect height for me to rest against.
“Good morning, phantom,” she calls up. She’s taken to calling me that
because I keep disappearing from class. She thinks I just despise academics
and I don’t correct her. Plus, she isn’t wrong. I do disappear, just not the
way or for the reasons she thinks. “Enjoying your morning off from
training?”
“Not really, no.”
I snort.
A thin puff of air smacks me right in the middle of my forehead.
My gaze narrows on the air enchanter. “Ellie. Pleasure as always.”
“Of course it is.” She meets me glare for glare, despite being a head
shorter than me. “So. You are going to take care of my best friend. Right?”
She punctuates the question by pointing a finger at my chest. It’s
impressive, like watching a ferocious little wolverine. “Because if anything
happens to her, the next streak of air is hitting you in the balls. With nails.
Rusty nails.”
“That’s… frighteningly specific.” I decide that I like Ellie. I especially
like her for Rowan. “And yes, I am going to keep her safe. Kyrian and I
both are.”
“Good.”
Rowan tilts her head up toward me. Her eyes are large and her lips part
slightly. Enough to make me go inappropriately hard. Shit, but I want to
kiss that mouth right now. Maybe I should. Just to give Rowan a distraction
from the coming exercise. But is the risk of making her mad worth it? How
quickly would she shove me away if she thought I was out of line? Or
worse, thought that my protection somehow depended on her kissing me?
In the world’s biggest rut-off to my plans, Rowan and I are starting to
become friends. Not only is the concept an antithesis to my existence but, to
my horror, I find that I like it. I like it enough that the risk of losing the
budding friendship is making me nervous.
Nyx hurumps. He doesn’t like humans. Or anyone. Much of the time,
I’m not sure he even likes me.
I dislike you the least, he clarifies.
Speaking of disliking people, I mark Collin Chambers coming our way
and tighten my hold around Rowan. A growl forms in the middle of my
chest and it’s an effort to tamp it down. Humans don’t make that sound.
They do make a nice crunching sound when you hit them in the face
though.
Unfortunately, knocking Chambers out now might create issues,
including something that might keep me from staying with Rowan in the
field. So, I hold my fists in check, but watch his every move. I don’t like
him getting any closer to Rowan. I don’t want Chambers to so much as
breathe Rowan’s air.
But of course he does come close.
“You are looking good, Ro,” Chambers says, ignoring both Ellie and
me. He already has his pack on his shoulders and appraises Rowan from
head to toe. “Stronger than before. The extra training has been helping.”
“Not looking for your approval Collin,” Rowan tells him.
That’s my girl.
“I heard you had to get pulled from the workshop to get ready for this,”
Chambers continues, referring to one of Kai’s more brilliant moves. By
arguing that a dead alchemist was less productive than an alchemist who
misses a few weeks of work, he got the commandant to release Rowan from
working on the auric alloy. The less of that filth that comes into the world
the better.
“Anyway, I just came to say good luck.” Chambers raises his hand as if
to clap Rowan’s shoulder but takes one look at me and sticks it into his
pocket instead. “And that I think it’s good that you are focusing on yourself.
Learning your limitations. People get hurt when their teammates
overestimate their abilities.” He jerks his head toward Ellie before walking
off. “We are leaving in fifteen minutes. Get your stuff.”
“I think he is physiologically incapable of opening his mouth without
something venomous coming out,” Ellie says, watching Chambers’s
retreating back.
“Sorry you are stuck with him,” Rowan says and shimmies out of my
hold. I reluctantly let her go.
“Yes. Well.” Ellie shrugs.
I curse under my breath. Unlike Kai, I have no reason to care whether
any of the humans return alive, but it would devastate Rowan if something
happened to Ellie. That’s enough reason to intervene.
“You’ve been assigned your three waypoints?” I ask. Kai gave each
squad a block of check-ins, but left it up to the squad leaders to work out
the details.
Ellie nods.
“Kyrian!” I shout to summon the male, then hold my palm out to Ellie.
“Give me your map. I trust Chambers to have come up with a plan that
protects anything but his own ass about as much as I trust Grayson to be
polite.”
“I worked out my own route,” Ellie says, but hands over her map as
instructed. She’s proud, not stupid.
“Our route will be better,” Kyrian says, catching on as he approaches.
Kyrian is quick like that. And helpful to a fault. It’s still a mystery how
someone like him bonded with the likes of Kai and me.
“Really? Why is that?” Ellie puts her hands on her hips, and it’s all I can
do not to laugh. Explaining that Kyrian has over a hundred years of
experience on her, or that between the three of us and our draken we have
most of the in play territory scouted, isn’t an option though.
“Because I’m very good at this,” Kyrian says with no hint of bragging.
“And I’m motivated to keep you alive, seeing as Rowan here would be
upset if you died. Which is why you are going to head this way.” Kyrian
traces a high ground path with his finger, giving Ellie pointers as he spells
out each segment, making her repeat the instructions back to him before
releasing her to Collin and the rest of her impatient squad.
Squads continue to leave the courtyard over the next hour, their boots
crunching on the gravel as they set off on their assigned routes. We are one
of the last groups to depart, doing so in the pairs and trios Kyrian assigned.
To the surprise of absolutely no one, Rowan is with me and him. Kai plans
to catch up to us later, after he ensures everyone is on their way—and then
takes a small detour toward the alchemy workshop to see if he can’t spoil
whatever alloy materials he can get his hands on.
The hike out is an easy one, even with the tangled undergrowth that
keeps trying to snag our ankles. The pulse of the forest around me,
enhanced by the promise that I can hold on to it for two whole weeks, is a
balm to my nerves. The deeper we get, the louder the forest’s presence
echoes in my blood. Which is as it should be. I am a wolf at my core. I was
never meant to be held in cages of brick and mortar.
“We can stop here for the night,” Kyrian calls out five hours into the
hike, as we approach a well-concealed high ground alcove a few hundred
paces off the main trail.
“Thank fuck,” Rowan mutters under her breath, the relief in her voice
so heartfelt that I chuckle.
Neither Kyrian nor I are remotely tired, but Rowan is at her limit. She’d
not have made it half the distance at the start of the year though, and I’m
absurdly proud of her. That the totality of my job for the next two weeks is
to keep her safe feels like a privilege.
Breathing in the forest’s freshness, I open myself up fully to its sounds.
Even with Eryndor’s wards damping my magic, I can hear the distinct rustle
of leaves as nocturnal creatures start to emerge for the night while others
seek shelter from the approaching darkness. There’s a distant hoot of an owl
in the east and a low, almost inaudible growl, followed by the snap of a twig
to the other side. Then the soft padding of paws on the forest floor.
Wolves. Not shifters, but real, wild wolves sorting through the natural
bickering of the pack.
Crunchy, Nyx says into my mind, along with the sensation of an empty
belly.
Don’t eat the wolves.
Hungry.
Do NOT eat the wolves.
Nyx doesn’t reply. He won’t eat the wolves though. Not from any
consideration of my request, but because the draken is picky with his meat
and prefers fattier dinners. I sling my pack off my shoulder, swallowing a
grimace at the twinge of fiery pain that pierces the nagging ache, which has
been getting steadily worse throughout the hike. The weather is about to
turn for the worst then. Probably by tomorrow.
Stopping a few paces away, Rowan drops to the ground without
bothering to take off her pack. She is sweat-soaked despite the chill and
looks like a bedraggled kitten, complete with perked ears made from
tousled chestnut tufts of hair. It’s adorable. Not that I’m dumb enough to
say that aloud. Or maybe I am. Teasing Rowan may be my new favorite
hobby.
“Wake me up tomorrow,” she says. “Or better yet… don’t.”
“Come on, rabbit.” Stepping behind her, I pull off Rowan’s pack.
“I’m not a rabbit.”
I press my thumbs into two tension points just below her shoulders.
“Fine, I’ll be a rabbit if you do that again,” she says quickly and I
oblige.
The resulting moan of pleasure sounds so much like a release of a
different sort that Kyrian stumbles over a root. Knowing that this sound is
genuine and not just an act to torment Kai makes my head swim a bit.
I press into Rowan’s back again, rolling my thumb over the knot. “Good
thing you don’t sound like that in the training ring.”
“You mean when I’m rolling on the sand with a cramped calf and don’t
know whether it, or your helpful intervention, hurts more?” she says over
her shoulder.
“Exactly.” I grin. An indignant Rowan is much better than a terrified
Rowan. I continue moving my hands along her back and feel her pressing
into my touch despite the verbal melee. It’s probably just her exhaustion,
but I still hope it means she is starting to trust me more. “You sound more
like a screeching banshee in the ring.”
“Was wondering what that was all about,” Kyrian says. He is starting to
set up camp and pretending not to be envious of the banter between Rowan
and me. I feel a twinge of guilt. Of the three of us, Kyrian is the social one.
He needs people, where Kai and I merely tolerate them. Or not.
I wonder what he wouldn’t give to have his fingers exploring Rowan’s
muscles right now. To be talking with her like friends. Flirting even.
Integrity, the part of my mind that I really wish would stay silent
informs me. Kyrian won’t give up integrity. Because he is too good of a
male to lie to Rowan. Even by omission.
“I get leg cramps,” Rowan explains to Kyrian. “A lot. I also trip over
things. A lot. Sometimes I trip into the practice sword I’m supposed to be
wielding against, well, not me. So, I’m really sorry in advance for you
getting stuck with me on this.”
That makes Kyrian freeze for a heartbeat. Then he is in motion, stepping
around to crouch in front of Rowan. He is a kind of traditionally beautiful
male. Muscular but agile, with a strong jawline, high cheekbones that go on
for miles, and blue eyes that pierce through settling darkness. Unlike mine,
his scars are on the inside. Oh, and he is Flurry royalty. If he ever gives in
to the pull that I know Rowan has on him, he is going to make her forget
my existence in the a span of a breath.
Now, Kyrian’s fingers go to Rowan’s with possession that makes
something uncomfortable twist inside me.
“That is absolute horseshit,” Kyrian tells her. “We aren’t stuck with you.
We chose you. You and all the chaos you bring wherever you go. Ye hear
me, lass?”
Rowan’s answering smile slices through me. I want her to smile at me
like that tonight too. And I’m going to find a way to make that happen.
“Can we build a fire?” Rowan asks.
Kyrian shakes his head as he rises. “We are too close to the main trail. A
campfire in the middle of the night would be a plea for an assault.”
“Right.” Rowan agrees readily but her body is tense and she is working
hard not to flinch at the same forest melody that I find soothing. I wish
there was something I could do to change that.
By the time we are done eating our rations of dried meat, cheese and
bread, the darkness is already blanketing us. The temperature has dropped
steeply from the day’s hike, proving once again that my shoulder is a
bloody reliable barometer. Maybe I will one day thank the alpha who’d
dislocated it for me over and over after his pack decimated mine.
Getting ready to bed down, I lay the sleeping pallets out next to each
other, tucking Rowan’s roll between mine and Kyrian’s. “Get some sleep,
rabbit.” I pat her bedding in enticement.
“Still not a rabbit,” she says but slips off her shoes and crouches on the
blanket. Her hair is delightfully unruly, and her attempts to brush it out with
her fingers are only making it worse. I’d help if I didn’t think she’d try to
break my nose for it. Rowan tucks a lock behind her ear. “Umm. How is
this going to work exactly?”
“Define ‘this’,” says Kyrian.
She motions to the bedrolls. “Shouldn’t we be farther apart and all?”
Even as she says it, Rowan flinches at an owl call. I’m starting to think
she’s not slept outside before.
“Worried you’ll overheat next to Kyr and me?” Coming up behind her, I
let my breath tickle the back of her neck while stealing a full lungful of her
scent. She’s anxious and uncertain. And, stars, she is freezing cold. I let
none of that knowledge seep into my voice though. “That you’ll be a
steamed rabbit for breakfast?”
“Seriously Logan?”
I hadn’t meant it that way, but now her indignation is too much to let
pass. I drop my voice to a whisper. “For the record, I happen to love eating
steamed rabbit. Very… succulent.”
“Oh gods.”
If the sun was still out, I know I’d be seeing her ears turning red now.
Even in the darkness, I can feel the heat suddenly crawling up her skin.
“Don’t listen to that arsehole,” Kyrian calls, settling on Rowan’s other
side. “Except the part about staying warm while you sleep. You’ll be glad
for the body heat.”
“I don’t think I have any to share. I’m an icicle,” she says
apologetically.
“A very correctable problem.” I pull Rowan against me under the
blanket, her back tight to my chest and my knees bending into her. It’s good
for her. And if it happens to be good for me too, is that so wrong? “Relax
and sleep.”
She squirms.
I tighten my arm around her before that squirming gives my other
desires away. She squirms again anyway and it takes me five minutes of
imagining myself wading through ice infested water until I can trust myself
to not poke her back. Just as I start breathing easier, Rowan breaks the
settling silence.
“Kyrian?”
Not the name I wish she’d said.
“Hmm?” he replies.
“I don’t know anything about you.”
Kyrian, who is lying on his back, puts his hand behind his head. “What
do you want to know?”
“Umm…” Rowan mulls that over. “Do you have any siblings?”
“Three half-brothers, one half-sister.”
“Favorite food?”
“Chocolate cake.”
“What’s the best dream you’ve ever had?”
“The one where I get a full night’s sleep. Let’s see if we can get there
tonight, aye?”
Rowan sighs and shimmies into a better position, flinching each time a
branch rustles. I know she’s exhausted and aching, and yet the tension
vibrating inside her is enough to send the squirrels running for cover.
“What’s wrong, Ro?” I ask against her hair. “Tell me.”
“Nothing.”
“Let me rephrase. Tell me honestly.”
“I’m cold,” she says. And it’s true. She isn’t as freezing as she was when
we lay down, but cold still.
But there is more. “Cold and?”
She swallows and I can imagine her biting her lip before she answers. “I
can’t get my mind to settle,” she says finally. “I’ve not done this before—
sleeping in the cold woods, with wild animals evaluating me for a late night
snack, while the very Eryndorians I was raised to protect hunt me instead.
What if it’s someone I know who comes at us on the trail tomorrow? What
if it’s someone from the clinic? What am I supposed to do?”
“Sleeping is a good start,” Kyrian says from the other side.
“That’s not nearly as helpful as you imagine,” Rowan mutters, and a
wave of absolute recklessness washes over me.
“I can offer something more useful,” I say, raising up on my elbow to
hover recklessly above her. The darkness obscures the finer details of
Rowan’s face, but my eyes have long since adjusted, allowing me to admire
the gentle slope of her nose, the mess of her hair fanning over the bedroll,
the fullness of her slightly parted lips. Carefully, I gather her two hands
together and wrap them up in one of mine. She inhales slightly, but doesn’t
pull away. So far so good.
Even through the layers of our clothing, I can feel the tantalizing
softness of her curves molding perfectly to the hardness of my own
muscles. It’s a delicious torture, having her so close, but it can be even
more.
“I can make it all go away for you,” I whisper, my heart suddenly
pounding. “The cold. The fear. The racing thoughts. I can make you forget
it all.”
Rowan gasps slightly, and I nearly groan from the effort of staying so
very still.
“All you have to do is say yes, rabbit,” I breathe. “Say yes, and I will do
the rest.”
