The Girl Who Lived Volume 1 by Moishe Goldman Free Novel Reading Chapter 100

I woke up at six in the morning, as usual, and spent the first few minutes staring blankly at my surroundings, unsure where I was. But then memories of yesterday came flooding back, and I broke into a happy smile. True, the events of the previous evening soon followed, and the smile faded considerably, but that could be dealt with later. And now – training! How I’ve missed jogging, gymnastics, and sparring! Let’s get healthy!

With these thoughts in mind, I jumped out of bed and faced a small problem: how was I going to get out of here? I clearly remembered Madam Pomfrey locking the door with magic last night, and a simple Alohomora wouldn’t do the trick. After some thought, I decided to do a shortened training session, much like in France, and, pulling off my pajama top, I assumed a push-up position. Who had I to be embarrassed in front of? There was no one else in the hospital wing except me and the mediwitch, and if anyone showed up, I’d hear them and have time to cover my modest charms.

Having finished my push-ups and squats (yes, a pea-shaped butt is everything), I transfigured the bar and, using a charm, attached it to the wall next to my bed. My muscles were already sufficiently warmed up, but not burning, and so they demanded more exercise. Besides, the pull-ups promised to please me from an aesthetic standpoint, as the hospital wing boasted huge stained-glass windows offering a stunning view of the surrounding area.

I’d had my fill of admiring the snow-capped Scottish Mountains and the wintry Forbidden Forest, satisfying, so to speak, my thirst for beauty. It’s hard to explain, but when you see only shades of gray out the window for a month, you start to miss bright colors. I don’t know if it was intentional or accidental, but the view from the hospital wing windows clearly contributed to my recovery, especially the psychological one. I even thought of the Harry Potter films; the directors, or whoever filmed them, didn’t capture even a hundredth of the beauty surrounding the castle. Having finished my exercises, I jumped down onto the marble floor and, after unwinding the pull-up bar, headed for the shower.

The wheel, fire, writing, gunpowder—are these the greatest discoveries? They’re all bullshit! I could easily live without them, but not without clean, fresh underwear! So, the greatest achievement of humanity is a bag with an invisible expansion joint. Thanks to this ingenious artifact, I had not only a fresh set of underwear, but a clean school uniform to boot. And I won’t even mention a month’s supply of food, ammunition, and weapons. With the help of this bag, my innate and well-earned hamster-like thriftiness, and a mother like that, I can live happily for several months on a desert island. I even have a tent! Just in case.

After tidying myself up and admiring my reflection in the huge full-length mirror on the wall, I pulled my hair, which had grown just below my shoulders since the summer, into a ponytail and returned to my assigned bed. Perhaps the shortened morning exercises were for the best, as I had one important thing I wanted to do. I’m perfectly aware that something’s not quite right with my head… Damn it! If it weren’t for Occlumency, I would have been locked away in a padded cell long ago. So, settling comfortably on the bed, I closed my eyes and drifted into my mental chambers to tidy it up.

With a little brainpower, I found myself in Elena’s office on the second floor of the N. City Police Department. Perhaps I’ll change locations someday, but right now I just don’t have the time. I quickly sat down on a creaky office chair and stared at the old, yellowed, pot-bellied monitor. Sure, I’d seen new flat-screen monitors before, and the picture seemed brighter and more saturated, but this was more familiar to me. Entering the password on the loudly clicking keyboard, I gained access to all the memories I’d experienced in both my lifetimes. So, this wasn’t the time to indulge in nostalgia, especially since there wasn’t much to see there, and I had no time.

The first thing I did was archive and send the events of my nightmare to the furthest folder, and even slapped an extra password on top. Fuck it, because fuck it! This “business trip” awakened something in me I’d spent years trying to bury and forget, so it was nothing, period! Now it’s sort of there, but I won’t remember it without consciously addressing it. Next, I need to deal with Elena; I’ve long considered that name a stranger; even in that nightmare hospital, I didn’t respond to it. Destroying her personality is impossible, and it wouldn’t work anyway, so it was worth removing the hooks that were tugging me back to the painful memories of my past life. After some thought, I archived the orphanage period, and then it was time for university…

“Bitch! I can’t!” I sent the computer mouse flying, and then began to destroy the office Elena had created in my imagination.

Having calmed down a bit and surveyed the devastated location, I saw a photograph of Zinaida Karpovna, my Alyoshka’s mother, on the overturned, pot-bellied monitor, and I almost burst into tears. No matter how much I wanted to, no matter how hard I tried, I can’t erase these people from my life. They are too dear to me! I simply can’t consign their names to oblivion, and Alyoshka… He is the only one I loved and still love. Yes, I’m such a fool. Forgetting these people would be betrayal, and I can’t do that. They are the only ones who treated me with warmth and care in my past life; it would be like betraying and forgetting the name of Hermione or Integra. I simply can’t do that.

My mind began to flicker, so I tried my best to compose myself, then restored the surroundings to their previous appearance, making a few cosmetic changes. The poster of the president on the wall was replaced by a portrait of Her Majesty, and on the table, along with Alyoshka’s photo, were family photos of the Grangers and Hellsings. Just like the ones I carry around in my bag. In one, I’m a little girl hugging Hermione, while in the background, Dan and Alucard are barbecuing and chatting with Emma and Integra. And in the second, in a gilded frame, I’m eight years old, hanging around the necks of my mother and Alucard, with Victoria and Walter standing at my sides.

Having finished the repairs, I checked the password on the imaginary computer once again and opened the folder with Alyoshka and his parents. I tried not to look at their faces and didn’t open the files, only checking their integrity and security. This was important to me. It’s a shame I don’t know how Alyoshka’s parents are doing now, but I hope they’re doing well. Having finished the memory inspection and once again convinced myself that the events of the “nightmare” were hidden as deeply as possible, I returned to the real world. Just in time, as the quiet footsteps of the school mediwitch could be heard in the distance.

“Miss Hellsing, good morning.” The woman smiled thinly as she came closer. “How are you feeling?”

“Good morning, Madam Pomfrey.” I smiled back. “I’m fine, I slept well and I don’t have any pain. Can I go now? Breakfast is about to start…”

“You can, but first I’d like to have a serious talk with you.” The Mediwitch sat down on the edge of the bed and looked me over thoughtfully, clearly gathering her thoughts.

– About what? – I looked back at him, uncomprehending.

“Miss Hellsing, unfortunately, Hogwarts doesn’t have mandatory medical examinations like Muggle schools, and yet you look much healthier than your peers…” The woman looked me in the eye. “Rigel, yesterday I ran a full diagnostic on you, and some of the results horrified me…”

“That’s none of your business,” I interrupted Madam Pomfrey and looked away.

“Miss Hellsing, I am a master of healing magic, and perhaps I can help you!” The woman was surprised by my reaction. “I have many acquaintances in the guild and abroad, I can turn to them and…”

“Madam Pomfrey, I appreciate your concern, but…” I smiled sadly. “I’ve already been examined by the best healers, both from St. Mungo’s and from the Soviet Union. Unfortunately, medicine is powerless here, even magical medicine.”

“Sorry, I just wanted to help.” The Mediwitch sighed sadly and rose from the bed. “In that case, you may go.”

“Thank you.” I nodded respectfully. “For everything.”

“It’s not worth it,” the woman waved her hand. “As I already said, it’s my job.”

“Madam Pomfrey, excuse me, but before I go, may I check on Miss Lovegood?” I nodded toward the casualty box. “She’s my friend, and I wanted…”

“No!” the woman replied categorically. “Firstly, the Headmaster has forbidden all visits, and secondly, it makes no sense, because your friend is currently under the influence of the Draught of Living Death. Miss Lovegood’s mind is fast asleep; there’s no point in disturbing her.”

“I understand, thank you again.” I waved my hand and, throwing my bag over my shoulder, headed for the exit. “Goodbye!”

 

***

 

A short, slender, and rather pretty girl, looking slightly older than her years, walked thoughtfully up the stairs leading to the Hogwarts infirmary. Hermione Granger’s thoughts were preoccupied with the events of the previous day, or more specifically, her foolish prank. The young Gryffindor had thought it would be amusing to defuse the situation with a silly joke, but Rigel’s reaction surprised and even frightened her a little. Seeing her best friend’s shocked and panicked expression, she immediately confessed and began to calm her down. Fortunately, Rhea quickly recovered, and after a friendly scuffle, they made peace. After a conversation with the headmaster, Hermione calmly left the infirmary.

But Mia walked into the meeting with her friend as if she were facing a firing squad, genuinely afraid that Rigel hadn’t forgiven her or was holding a grudge. The cause of these heavy thoughts, which kept the girl practically awake that night, was a common practice in Occlumency, or rather, memories of the previous day. Before bed, Hermione reviewed the events in the hospital wing and was horrified: she could discern in detail, and several times, the panic and primal terror in her best friend’s eyes. And the look of doom in her dull gaze after her words about several years having passed completely unsettled the girl.

Hermione reviewed her memories dozens of times, and each time she was convinced that something had happened to Rigel while she was unconscious. Everything pointed to this, from the strange questions she asked upon waking to the near-panic attack she’d experienced after a stupid joke Mia had made to defuse the situation. Hermione also felt as if Rigel held a grudge against her, as she’d acted distant and thoughtful in the hospital wing. Perhaps it wasn’t so, but she’d worked herself up so much overnight that she couldn’t stop her thoughts.

Many years ago, she swore to protect, defend, and faithfully serve the Hellsing heir. Over the years, Hermione had never doubted her oath for a second; she was ready to die for Rigel! But yesterday, it was Rhea who suffered, and it should have been the other way around! It was Hermione who should have rushed forward and shielded her best friend with her body! But she hadn’t had time to react, and now the guilt was literally eating her up from the inside. And then there was that stupid joke—who made her say it?!

With such heavy thoughts, plunging into the depths of self-reflection and from there into the abyss of despair, Hermione climbed the stairs and stopped in front of the doors to the hospital wing. The girl sighed heavily and began to wait for her best friend, mentally preparing herself for the worst. If Rigel didn’t want to communicate with her anymore or turned their relationship into a purely businesslike one, then so be it—she deserved it.

 

***

 

The moment I stepped foot into the hospital wing, I found myself in Hermione’s bone-crushing embrace. She grabbed me with a death grip, looked me in the eye, and burst into tears. At that moment, I froze and foolishly turned on my empathy, which nearly sent me into a tailspin. My best friend reeked of such a mixture of guilt and doom that I was absolutely stunned; I simply couldn’t find any other words at that moment.

– Mia, what happened? – I tried to look the girl in the eyes, but she guiltily looked away. – Did someone hurt you?

– Riya… F-forgive me… – This miracle squeezed out between sobs. – I… I… Didn’t mean to… I-I should have…

We stood like that for about ten minutes, the whole time Hermione muttering incoherently about her vow and how ashamed she was of yesterday’s joke. Yes, that idiot nearly gave me a heart attack with her sense of humor yesterday, and I was planning on paying her back with something similar, but blaming myself like that was going too far. I understand, of course, but getting worked up like that—it takes more than just skill; it requires a real talent! I was about to grab that sufferer by the scruff of the neck and drag her to Madam Pomfrey to get her sedated, but Hermione finally pulled herself together.

– What just happened? – I looked sternly into her eyes, red from tears. – Mia, you seem like a smart girl, but sometimes you’re such a fool!

– Y-you really aren’t offended? – And he looks at me with the eyes of a beaten dog. – I-I… It’s so guilty… If you…

“Mia, have I ever lied to you?” Her friend hiccupped and shook her head. “Well, I don’t blame you for anything and I’m not offended by anything.”

– Riya! – This fool broke into a happy smile and hugged me so hard that my ribs cracked. – I love you!

– I… you too… – I could barely squeeze out. – Let go…

“No way…” The girl squealed happily, but still loosened her grip.

“Okay, enough of this whining.” I smiled warmly and gently pulled away. “It’s time for breakfast.”

“I’m pouring my heart out to her here…” Hermione frowned with displeasure. “And all she thinks about is food… As if your last name isn’t Hellsing, but Weasley…”

“Not only that,” I grinned and pulled a mirror out of my pocket. “I’m also thinking about getting you ready. Or do you want to show up in front of the whole school looking like this?”

– Oh fuck… – Hermione looked at her reflection and was horrified. – What do you mean?

– You still ask? – I looked at my friend skeptically. – Hysterical.

– You’re an idiot yourself. – Mia stuck her tongue out at me and took out her wand. – Better yet, hold a mirror.

I’ll probably never cease to be amazed by magic, honestly. Just a couple of cosmetic spells, and not a trace of Hermione’s recent hysteria remained on her face. Miracles, nothing less! We’ve become so accustomed to everyday charms and spells that we’ve been casting them unconsciously for years, taking the results for granted. But if you think about it for a second, you’ll realize that with every wave of our wand, we alter reality around us, and in doing so, we create true magic!

“Riya, I’m ready.” Her friend nodded to her own reflection with a satisfied smile. “Let’s go?”

– Mia, listen… – I thoughtfully turned the mirror in my hands and threw it in my pocket. – How many times have you done magic today?

“I don’t know, a couple of times this morning.” The curly-haired girl shrugged. “Maybe I just got myself sorted out. What’s the point of asking?”

“Oh, I was just thinking about how we’ve completely stopped paying attention to the magic around us.” I took a step forward and hugged my friend. “Let’s count?”

“Hmm… Let’s do it!” Hermione’s eyes lit up with a researcher’s glint, and she began counting off the numbers on her fingers. “The slipper-warming spell is one, the towel-summoning spell is two, then I made the bed—that’s three, then…”

The entire way, we discussed the household charms we use every day, of which there are truly a lot, even too many. Seriously, Mia can’t remember the last time she tied her shoelaces or brushed her teeth by hand; a spell somehow makes it faster and better. Once we got down to the hall, we started arguing about the origins of household charms. I argued that all these spells were invented out of laziness and a reluctance to work with our hands, but Hermione categorically disagreed. She argued that creating a new spell is a complex and painstaking process, meaning it’s the fruit of an inquisitive or curious mind. Therefore, wizards haven’t become so degenerate and dumb that a new, seemingly useless, spell appears every day.

Unbeknownst to us, we were deep in friendly discussion and found ourselves standing before the wide-open gates of the great hall. Breakfast was already in full swing, so the hubbub of hundreds of voices and the clink of cutlery echoed from the simple room. Anticipating a hearty meal, I stepped inside and froze in my tracks, my appetite gone.

– What the… – My mouth dropped open and my eyes widened, I looked around the decor of the great hall. – This…

“So that’s what the headmaster warned us about yesterday,” Hermione exhaled from the side. “What was the reason?”

“Magical Britain must have just opened its first madhouse…” I shuddered and turned to my friend. “Perhaps we should eat in the kitchen?”

“Don’t block the way!” A rough male voice came from behind. “Girls, don’t just stand there like… Merlin’s beard…”

“Matthew, why are you standing there, rooted to the spot?” Another voice, this time a woman’s, was heard behind him. “What are you seeing there… Mordred for my husband…”

I’ve long since realized that all wizards are a little crazy, often beyond their limits, but to this extent… The thing is, someone had painted the walls and ceiling of the Great Hall various vanilla colors, mostly pink and blue. It looked as if a giant pink unicorn had been fed a rainbow and then puked all over it. On top of that, hundreds of bright pink butterflies with heart-shaped wings fluttered around the ceiling, showering the dejected students with glittering stars! Who came up with this?! And most importantly, why?!

I turned around involuntarily and saw three plainclothes wizards behind me, wearing DMP badges on their chests. They were probably there because of yesterday’s attack on Luna and Penelope, since I hadn’t filed any report. But judging by the faces of the law enforcement officers, they’d forgotten why they’d come here and were clearly eager to get away. I agreed with them in some ways, but I still mustered all my courage and headed for the Gryffindor table.

“Hello everyone!” I greeted my friends with a smile, most of whom were picking shiny stars out of their oatmeal with sour expressions. “How are you?”

“Hello, as you can see…” Ron muttered and pointed his wand at his plate. “Evanesco! And Merlin’s underpants! Well…”

Weasley must have been trying to remove the glitter from his porridge with a spell, but as usual, something went wrong, and our red-haired friend looked longingly at his perfectly clean plate. Sitting next to him, Justin chuckled and pulled over the communal plate, over which hovered a large blue umbrella. Actually, it wasn’t all bad—the older students had deployed kinetic shields and covered almost the entire table with them, but the key word is “almost”… The ubiquitous tinsel still managed to sneak in between the seams and stain some of the dishes and plates.

Nodding to the others, I dusted off the bench and took my place at the table. While I sipped my oatmeal, I glanced curiously at my friends, not all of whom were displeased with the chaos. I’m talking about Lavender and Parvati, by the way. Our chatty gossips, who doubled as spies, were literally enjoying the vanilla-hysterical atmosphere. Colin Creevey, a small-time paparazzo with a fanatical glint in his eye, had also joined the pink camp, snapping photos of everything around him. The shutter of his camera clicked like a machine gun, and the film itself was changing so quickly, as if someone’s life depended on it.

“This might sound like a strange question, but what’s going on here?” Having had my fill, I turned to the guys sitting at the table. “Ugh!” One of the glitters still got between my teeth.

“I wonder who came up with this romantic idea?” Elvira muttered from the left and shook the pink butterfly off her shoulder. “How disgusting…”

I glanced at the flying abominations; thanks to Flora’s recovery, they were flying around Mia and me. A small fairy, looking menacing, circled around, blasting magic at anything that tried to get close. Vasya also tried to play guard and even ate one of the butterflies, but they weren’t exactly edible. I realized this when the snake, cursing softly, slithered under the table and, in perfect catlike fashion, vomited its prey onto someone’s shoe.

– Today is Valentine’s Day! – Lavender turned to me, on the verge of ecstasy. – It’s so romantic!

Only after the chatterbox’s words did I think to glance at the staff table. The headmaster and most of the professors were eating breakfast with stony faces; the esteemed wizards weren’t even speaking to each other! Against this overtly Gothic backdrop, a fantastically satisfied Lockhart stood out, with the face of a man who had just won an Oscar for Best Actor. And the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor’s attire matched it; today he was decked out in a particularly bright pink robe, adorned with golden hearts. Compared to this scribbler, even Dumbledore’s outrageous attire looked like the epitome of austerity and style. And rightly so! How could I have forgotten?! Something similar happened in the films, though I sincerely hoped our version of Lockhart would be a little more restrained and modest. Well, that was a mistake.

– What are these guys doing here? Rigel, – Ron got my attention. – Is this because of yesterday?

Ryzhik, like most of the students, watched the five wizards with DMP badges on their chests. Wow, it took them a long time to come to their senses; I’d already eaten, and they’d only just walked in. The investigators glanced around nervously, wands at the ready, and moved toward the teachers’ table almost in battle formation. At that moment, for some reason, I imagined that if Lavender Brown became a dark lady, her citadel of terror would look something like today’s Great Hall.

“No, they came for a different reason.” I quickly turned my head and found one red head. “Percy, we need you now!”

It seemed the boys still didn’t know about the night attack on Penelope and Luna; I could tell by our prefect’s nervous expression and the way he was hypnotizing the Ravenclaw table. So, to avoid having to tell the news twice, I decided to call the groom, whose fiancée was currently lying in the hospital wing.

– Hellsing, what happened? – The headman kept glancing at the entrance to the great hall. – I don’t have time!

“Percy, she’s not coming.” I shook my head sadly. “Crystal and Lovegood are in the hospital wing right now.”

– What do you mean? – The headman’s voice trembled. – What happened to Penelope?! Where is she?

“Don’t worry, they’re alive and almost healthy.” Under the demanding gazes of those present, I began my story. “Yesterday, around midnight, there was another attack, like the one at Greengrass. Someone…”

There wasn’t much to tell, and I finished it in just a couple of minutes, after which my friends bombarded me with a barrage of clarifying questions. Everyone, especially Brown and Patil, were interested in the smallest details, every word the Headmaster and Lockhart said, while Percy was even preparing to storm the hospital wing. While discussing the night attack, other Gryffindors sitting nearby joined us. Soon the entire Red Banner table was discussing the night attack, and by the time the post owls arrived, the entire Great Hall was discussing it. I was always amazed at the speed with which news travels at Hogwarts, and especially at how it gets distorted.

I honestly told everyone present that the girls were under the influence of the Draught of Living Death and were currently fast asleep—that’s probably how you could describe their state. So, I couldn’t understand at all why MacLaggen, who was sitting nearby, assumed the girls were dead, and that it wasn’t the DMD investigators who had arrived, but the burial party. How? What was going through his head?! I dreaded to even imagine what the other tables were whispering about. They were probably discussing the Slytherin Horror again, after all, purebloods had suffered again. And who knows what the most reckless and radical ones would come up with…

– Woland! Hello, my dear! – Krivi’s satisfied voice distracted me from my disturbing thoughts. – What did you bring me? Bacon or sausage?

– Khar! – A huge black raven shook its head and began pecking from the first-year student’s plate.

“Riya, since when has Woland been carrying Colin’s mail?” Elvira turned to me from the side. “I thought this bird served Lady Hellsing.”

“I’m also interested.” I nodded thoughtfully and continued to watch the huge bird, which was cuddle-drying itself like a cat in the paparazzi’s hands. “Although, he did bring Denis some books; maybe we became friends?”

Meanwhile, the feathered postman allowed the first-year student to take a couple of letters from the small pouch on his paw and then swaggered toward me. The raven walked across the table like a star on a red carpet, his demeanor endearing him to everyone around him. Everyone tried to offer him something delicious, and he didn’t even think of refusing.

– The fucking glutton… – Vasya grumbled, looking at the black bird. – He’ll walk back!

– Kharrr! – The raven croaked at the snake and sat down contentedly on its butt, right on the plate of bread standing in front of me. – Ghar-kar!

“Woland,” I smiled at the bird, and out of the corner of my eye I watched as some of the students flinched. “What did you bring me?”

The raven said nothing and lazily extended its paw with a small bag tied to it. Okay, we’re not a proud people. I reached across the table, and soon a gray envelope with a red heart drawn on it appeared in my hands. The girls sitting around me grinned mischievously and watched my actions in anticipation. Frankly, I wasn’t expecting this and, automatically checking the message, opened the envelope. Inside was a homemade and rather sweet dark-red valentine, signed in neat, yet childish handwriting.

“You have an admirer?” Mia said with feigned admiration and solemnity. “That’s so sweet!”

“One more word and I’ll remember your almost-husband.” I looked my friend in the eyes with a satisfied smile. “Hector’s still waiting for an answer.”

– That’s it, I’ll keep quiet. – The girl immediately became serious. – And still, who is this love letter from?

“Guess in three tries…” I sighed heavily and handed my friend the Valentine. “I thought Denis had already forgotten about me.”

– Yeah, keep your fingers crossed. – Mia handed the message back to me. – Have you forgotten HOW he looked at you in Diagon Alley?

– This could be a problem… – I put the valentine in my bag. – The last thing I need is some underage admirers.

– Do you already have suitors?! What are their names? Rigel, your betrothed is very romantic! He made the gift himself, it’s so sweet! – Naturally, Lavender heard us and couldn’t remain silent. – Hermione, why didn’t your fiancé congratulate you?

“Okay, enough of this madhouse.” I made a strong-willed decision and stood up from the table. “I suggest we go to class. What’s our first lesson?”

– Potions! – Weasley perked up. – Let’s go quickly, or we’ll be late.

“Dude,” Justin hugged his friend. “This is the first time I’ve seen you rushing to Prince’s classes.”

“Jas, I’m ready to rush anywhere from this vanilla hell,” Ron pointedly looked around. “Even to Mordred and Morgana’s wedding, as long as it’s far away from here.”

Our group had barely left the great hall when a triumphant fanfare sounded from the faculty table. Naturally, it attracted everyone’s attention, including mine. Turning around, I saw that the headmaster and the DMD investigators were gone, and most of the professors were looking longingly at one of the wooden doors in the corner of the hall. Meanwhile, Lockhart paced the dais, glancing at the students with a satisfied smile. He looked nothing like the serious wizard I’d seen the night before; he resembled a circus clown. However, our professor acted very convincingly and seemed to even enjoy the process. Another reminder that all wizards are a little nuts.

“Friends, Happy Valentine’s Day!” Lockhart announced solemnly. “First of all, I would like to express my deepest gratitude to the head of the board of governors, Lucius Malfoy, and his beautiful wife! It was these undoubtedly great wizards who contributed to today’s celebratory event!” After these words, many of the students glanced unkindly at Diana and Romulus, while the scribbler continued to preach. “I would also like to thank everyone who sent me valentines! I promise I will answer every lovely person!” He gave a silly smile and a wink, but it worked on some of the girls, and excited sighs swept through the hall. “But that’s not all!”

“Merlin, what else has he come up with?” One of the older students next to me gulped. “My father told me to leave after my fifth year and take over the family business… But no…”

Lockhart clapped his hands, one of the doors near the teacher’s desk opened, and ugly dwarfs began to emerge. Bald, about forty centimeters tall, dressed in multicolored loincloths and with blue wings on their backs, oh, and each one had a moronic grin on their face. Did he rob a cabinet of curiosities?! Where did he get so many of these… I didn’t even understand what kind of creatures they were, since I’d never seen anything like them in any bestiary. Maybe they were golems? Then why didn’t he make them cuter? Looking around, I realized I wasn’t the only one with those thoughts.

“I present to you my festive Valentine’s Day Cupid Letter Carriers!” Lockhart beamed happily. “Today these little ones will be walking around the school delivering Valentine’s cards! Please don’t hurt them. The fun is just beginning!” The scribbler raised his arms solemnly to the ceiling and half-turned to face the staff table. “I’m sure my colleagues will also want to contribute to this wonderful holiday! Let’s ask Professor Prince to brew a love potion, and Professor Flitwick will be happy to demonstrate love charms to everyone; he knows a thing or two about them! And don’t forget that Madam Sprout has some wonderful flowers growing in her greenhouses; I think she’d be happy to share them with you in honor of the holiday. And, of course, Professor McGonagall! Just ask, and she’ll teach you how to transfigure toys for lovemaking.”